It's My Life

2011-07-09T13:15:00.000-07:00

2011-07-09T13:14:00.001-07:00

My TWIN TIPS

2009-06-25T06:31:00.000-07:00

I have a few minutes to myself and have been meaning to blog about a million things, but moms of twins know- you don't always have time to collect your thoughts! So my blogs from now on may not be very organized- but hey, I am a mom of a 5 yr old and 10month old twins!

Here are some of the things I did to get by with the twins from when they were first born until now....

-Set up pack-n-play in my living room because they sleep and wake so much, it was easier than going up and down and up and down the stairs!

-pre-filled bottles with however many ounces they were drinking and then had a little basket with bottles, a can of formula, spoon to mix each bottle, and a notepad to write down when each baby ate last- TRUST ME, YOU WON'T REMEMBER! :)

-For a while in the beginning I would wash a bunch of bottles by hand because they were going through SO MANY because they ate so many times a day.. so I would wash some by hand so I would have a few ready and then when I had enough dishes for the dishwasher I would just throw them in there- using the Munchkin baskets for washing bottles.. I also kept a medium size plastic container in the sink and thats where I put only the bottles and their parts, just so they don't get all mixed up with regular dishes or so that none of the parts accidentally go down the drain/garbage disposal!! Once they are older and drinking less, its easier because you have many bottles so you don't have to spend time hand washing them... also, once they are eating, you are going through more dishes and have plenty of dishes to wash anyways, especially if you have another child and have run out of paper plates!

-Changing table was also in my living room, with diapers, wipes, onesies, sleepers and blankets- oh, and had a small type square cloth container (like they sell at Target) with burp cloths and bibs- You will need TONS of these when they are little, or else you will be going through even more onesies and outfits then you do already!

-once they were more consistent, I started filling one of those travel containers for powdered formula ahead of time, just to cut down on some time when they are screaming and need a bottle STAT! (thanks to my mom for first starting this!)

-I slept (or tried to) whenever the babies slept, even if it is a few winks, 20 min, whatever, try and do it

-Feed one baby, and then the other.. people always said- feed them at the same time- now as a new mom of twins, this confused me.. I thought- do I REALLY feed them at the SAME EXACT TIME? At first I would feed and hold one so that he would get the cuddle time, then I would wake up the other one- because he would soon wake up anyways! And it was just easier I thought because I would just fall back asleep and the one who didn't eat would then wake up,,.so I saved myself the trouble and just fed him after...

-Once I got more experienced- or just tired of listening to a hungry baby cry while I fed his brother.. I did start feeding them at the EXACT SAME TIME. At first I tried it with one in the travel swing and the other in a bouncy seat.... not very comfy for me... the best way I found to do this was I put a boppy pillow on one side of me, and had the baby lay on it, most times I propped the head of the boppy with another pillow or something under it so the baby was more propped up.. and then I had a boppy on my lap with a baby and I fed them at the same time.. taking turns burping in between..of course they didn't like that always! Once they were getting bigger, it was off the lap and both boppies were on either side of me, I would prop my feet up on something and have pillows under each of my arms because they would get tired and I fed them at the same time... This was a LIFE SAVER! Because they start to get on the same schedule, it was just easier to feed them this way, especially if I was by myself. If there is someone else there that wants to feed them or is not busy, by all means, MAKE THEM feed the baby.. but for me, most times I was by myself, and this got pretty easy. Once they start holding their own bottles-- WOW, life changes dramatically!!! :) I also bought these mini (and I mean TINY) boppy type pillows that look just like round donuts that hold the bottles... at times these worked and sometimes you had to finagle something to keep them propped, but they were good in a pinch and in the car... UNTIL--- THE PODEE BOTTLE!

-Once the babies are good at sucking, you should try the PODEE BOTTLE! It is GREAT! I got one with my first son and thought it was strange and never used it. But with TWINS, it is great!!! Especially when my older son wanted me to play with him and the babies had to eat, I gave them each a podee bottle and plopped them in their bouncy seats and they watched us play wii or whatever it was we were doing! If you don't know what a podee bottle is, it's a regular bottle that has a straw-like tube in the bottle, then a cap type thing on the top of the bottle with another really long straw tube that has a nipple attached to the top and the babies suck on it like a pacifier! It is a MIRACLE! I took these with me to the mall and had the boys in my snap-n-go carriage and they would drink away while I shopped or sat and rested!

-At first I used the cheap gerber bottles because I was stressing about all the BPA free stuff.. so I got the cheap plastic bottles.. but after many washes, I found that the nipples leaked around the ring and it was going everywhere! And when I was half asleep feeding the babies it would take me a while to realize that the baby wasn't really just drinking it fast, it was leaking all over him! I then switched to the VENTAIRE bottles by Playtex, they do have many pieces but I pretty much like them.. after a few months of hanging and drying all the parts and then assembling all the bottles- and running out of space... I thought of this..I got three mini plastic containers, one I put the rings in, another stored the nipples and the last stored the bottom cap and the disks... My life is easier now! I leave the little Munchkin style basket that I wash them in on the counter so they dry and hang the bottles on the drying rack, and then when they are dry (or sometimes I let them dry in their container), I assemble most of the bottom caps with the disk and I just sort them all into their little plastic tubs and I assemble a few bottles... now its so much easier than putting them ALL together when I take them out of the dishwasher because they are wet

-In the beginning, the babies don't do much..you hold them, they sit in a bouncy seat, they sit in a swing, the sleep in a pack-n-play or a crib, or a seat, or a swing... you can try and put them on one of those play mats when they are a little older, maybe around 2-3 months, they will only last a couple minutes at first, but they will grow to love it! I had a soothing bouncy seat and then I had a playful bouncy seat.. after a while I invested in 2 travel swings because they started to like the swing once they were a little older.. they didn't always sleep in the pack-n-play, they slept in any of the things I just mentioned- because its not really like sleeping through the night, they are just taking lots of mini-naps! I would just rotate the boys into different things because I felt like they would get bored! I was the one who was bored (well, you know what I mean)

-Baby Einstein- Baby Beethoven dvd-- THIS IS ANOTHER LIFE SAVER!!!!! It is the best.. my babies loved it, it says to start it around 3 months, I think I didn't get it until they were 4 months- they got it for Christmas. I tried it with my first son and thought he didn't like it, but he was my first and what did I know, he was probably really cranky when I put it in or who knows and then I never tried it again. My twins LOVE THIS DVD! My dad says it puts them in a trance and its like brainwashing- well, whatever it is, this will be your savior for about a half hour- or hit repeat like I often do! It calms them down and sometimes they fall asleep to it too! I have one or two others but they love Baby Beethoven! When they were 9 months I put in a teletubbies dvd and they LOVE this too.. they actually LAUGH OUTLOUD! One of my sons actually used to laugh at the same part in Baby Beethoven each time when the lion puppet would come out.. too cute

-The SNAP-N-GO carriage... is great for when they are in their infant carriers, all you do is open up the snap-n-go double stroller (not a side by side, it is a front to back one) and you just click the infant seat in place. It isn't the easiest to manuever but when you really want to get out of the house, it is perfect.

- The MOMMY HOOK- I wish I had it when I was using the snap-n-go. I got mine at Babies R Us or Toys R us and I have seen them at Bed Bath and Beyond.. it is just a huge hook- like ones they have for fastening harnesses or whatever, I don't know the real name, and you hook it onto your handlebar of your carriage and you can hook all your bags to it, because you won't be able to have a shopping cart when you have your stroller- babies won't fit and its a pain, so I use my mommy hook and some other hooks I got at babies r us and I hook my Re-usable shopping bags onto them and when I shop I put my stuff in there and then I just bring the bag up to the register and empty it out and they scan it and put it back in! :) Wish I had more of these!

-Baby Jogger Classic- City Series Double Stroller-- THE BEST CARRIAGE and WORTH THE MONEY! I didn't want to have to have one for shopping and the car and one for walking and jogging if I get daring! I wanted one, this one FITS THROUGH STORE DOORS! That is a must, or else you will have to buy another carriage. I got mine for $399 free shipping from albee baby website, shop around for deals. The seats recline so easily and it has THE BEST SUNSHADES ever, they REALLY block the sun at multi-positions, the underneath storage is small thats why I have my mommy hook and put my bags on it. I do admit that now that they are getting bigger, I MAY invest in 2 cheap umbrella strollers and get the little connecters that you can just fasten them together with, that will save me so much money and will be easy to use for a quick trip somewhere. It does get tiring lugging two babies in and out of the car and in and out of a carriage.. I usually don't go to more than 2 stores in a trip! Oh, tip for putting the jogging stroller into the car, I roll it RIGHT up to the back of the car where I am going to put it, it has the easiest folding trick ever, two straps on the seats that say FOLD and you pull up on them and lift the carriage at the same time and then I just put it right into the car, semi-heavy but so easy if you have it right next to your car, don't make yourself go walking over to where you need to put it!

-Bouncy seats... once my boys outgrew the regular bouncy seats and swings.. I switched to the infant to toddler rocker- which most could just start out with but I was using what I already had and then bought these from my mother of twins group (look into joining one of these groups, it is the best!)
Anyways, the Infant to Toddler rocker by Fisher Price, they can stay in it much longer - has a higher weight limit..because with two, I find the need to have them sitting at certain times, like when I want them to settle down with a bottle or something! They are great, can be a seat, vibrate, comes with a toy bar (which mine don't use anymore) It doesn't recline too much but it has worked for me! (or them!)

-Booster seat/high chairs- I have the Fisher Price Space Saver seats, I also bought from my mother of twins group. These are GREAT. Much better than the older boosters that attach to the dining room chair. I found my boys were leaning to one side in the other ones and they just weren't comfortable- These recline for when the babies are younger and you can put them in and give them a bottle, it has a tray you can use if you would like. They are just perfect and I wish I had them earlier because this is another way of feeding two babies at once (bottles). The seat is contoured to fit them better and has a seat cushion and everything.

Ok, that's all for now! I will add more at another time, but that is all my brain can handle! Feel free to add questions and I can answer them into the blog with my tip!

Conner on the news :) Fitchburg Zip Trip

2009-06-13T21:50:00.000-07:00

I took Conner and the boys out to the Fitchburg Zip Trip with Fox 25 Morning news... take a peek at this video.. you can skip to the second segment with Kim Carrigan and the Dutch Kitchen interview.. watch for a little boy in a red coat ;)

It's been a while!

2009-03-12T21:44:00.000-07:00

I have not blogged in a while...excuses excuses, but I do have plenty to write about. At the moment I am on the teeney tiny laptop which is not easy for me to type on, so this will have to be continued at another time... but I wanted to put a quick update on here to get it going again :)
The babies have their 6 month check up tomorrow (they are about 6 1/2 months, all their check-ups are later now because one fell on X-mas and then we had to wait until after New Years for it).. both boys have colds- coughs and stuffy/runny noses.. Conner had the cough already and his is winding down now.. mine is gearing up and I have sinus issues along with the cough- fun fun. But the poor babies.. hopefully they sleep more tonight.... I need to get to bed because it is 12:47 am and I am sure they will be waking up soon!
So much to do around the house and time is flying by soooo quickly!
I need to become better at blogging more... so thanks to Becky for kicking my butt into gear with suggesting everyone blog about their babies.. instead of creating a new site just for the babies.. I figured this site would just evolve like my life has and readers will see how significantly my life has changed in the last 2 1/2 years! Plus, I can't have too many sites going at once because I will not be able to keep up with them! :)
Thats all for now :)

A Walk to Remember 2008... We Love You Leah!!

2008-10-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures from our second Walk to Remember in honor of Leah. I can't believe it has been two years. I wish she were here now to be with her brothers.
Love and Miss you Leah Ann Rollo.

Conner Pics Sept.-Oct. 2008

2008-10-13T10:26:00.001-07:00

Gavin and Ryan Pictures October 2008

2008-10-13T10:24:00.000-07:00

How the Boys got here and an Update

2008-10-13T10:18:00.000-07:00

The Boys....it is long, you may need to read it in parts! hahah

I was going in for a regular appointment and my bloodpressure was high for the second week in a row. The last time the doc had me get bloodwork and it came back normal, but this time he sent me upstairs for monitoring of my bloodpressure, bloodwork and a non-stress test on the babies. After being in there for a while my doctor came in and said I failed.. he didn't like the results of my bloodpressure and bloodwork so he was sending me to Worcester. He decided to send me there because I was 36 weeks and if the babies came now and needed the NICU, Leominster didn't have one and he wouldn't want one baby or both to have to be sent to Worcester and then I would be in Leominster and yadda yadda.. So I called Joe, my sister and mom and Liz and everyone was getting things together..and oh ya- the kid I tutored on Mondays was excited I wasn't coming! (He doesn't like math!)

The ambulance came and brought me to Worcester-- (just got a HUGE bill, really, I could've driven myself! Hopefully this will be taken care of because it's ridiculous!) They set me up in a room with no window and a clock that doesn't work.. but it was ok because they said I wasn't staying there and I thought the babies were coming that night or the next day... WRONG! My nurses were nice though. Joe came and brought some stuff, but I didn't have my bag packed so I was missing a few things- like my glasses and contact solution and case! :) My nurse made me some nice replacements and got some hospital saline. Anyways, I had contractions that night but they think it was because I was dehydrated- I didn't think I was but once they gave me fluids the contractions stopped. I went on to have them every morning but they would go away. I was really wishing I was at my own hospital, especially since I was seeing doctors I didn't know- and tons of them and interns and students, I just felt weird. They were also seeming to try and convince me not to have a c-section (because at the time one was breech and one was not, but Ryan kept moving around!) So they were making me feel bad that I didn't want to try a vaginal birth but I was worried about having to have both, having cord accidents or anything.. so they weren't making me feel better. They kept saying how a vaginal birth helps the babies get rid of fluid during labor and c-sections don't and since I was early, they were twins, boys and I had diabetes.. there were many factors. It ended up that I didn't have them that night, my monitoring was looking ok and they wanted to keep the babies cooking as long as possible.
Finally by 11 the next day I had a new room. They kept holding off giving birth, more tests, no eating in case I had to have a c-section...day after day, same story, no answers.. docs would visit in the morning and I wouldn't see them til the next day. I had a lot of great nurses that were very helpful for the most part.. but it was boring. I wasn't allowed to walk around, except for in my room.. woo hoo! I did get to watch a lot of TNT and USA.. and the olympics were on. Joe brought me the dvd player and I watched some movies and shows. Conner would come visit almost every day, he was very well behaved and cute.. he couldn't last more than an hour. Poor Joe with all the driving back and forth. Avery made me a picture to hang up, Am brought me some pics of Conner to hang up, so we taped them to my bed table, it was nice. I had a few visitors while I was waiting to have the babies, mom, dad, Am, Kristin, Joe, Patty, Conner and Andrea came but went to the wrong building :) Dr. Wilson called a couple times to see how I was doing and what was going on, that was very nice of him!
I did a lot of laying in bed, sleeping, ordering room service for my meals- even though sometimes I wasn't allowed to eat until we got more tests back in case I was going to deliver- one night I ate dinner at 11 ! My belly was getting bigger and my cold/cough was getting worse. Every morning I had a non-stress test and every 4 hours they checked my bloodpressure..they were also collecting my pee (fun fun!) and testing it for protein and other things that I don't know what they really are! It was nice to hear the heartbeats and kicking of the boys every morning, very reassuring. I would text message people and talk on the phone a little bit but my carpul tunnel in both hands and arms would hurt after a couple minutes so holding the phone would hurt wicked after a little while (thank goodness it is gone now!). That Thursday they finally gave me an ultrasound after telling me they would, then they wouldn't, and they changed their mind again and decided they would- I was getting them every week in Leominster and was scheduled for a weight check on that Saturday (and the biophysical profiles too). They gave me an u/s but no weight check, just BPP and told me they were both "Frank breech" meaning feet first (I think, my memory is bad now!) anyways, both breech so c-section it was. I also had an vascular u/s on my leg to make sure there were no clots because it hurt a little and was getting REALLY swollen so I was a little worried. They checked out fine, phew.
Finally on that Friday they told me it would be between Saturday and Monday, still all depending on tests and bloodpressure. We got excited and of course figured it would be Saturday since we had promised Conner that Joe would bring him to Chuck E. Cheese's! They came to visit that morning and we found out it wouldn't be Saturday... it ended up being Monday morning.
On Monday morning I met my delivery nurse, Annie.... strange thing is, she was my nurse long ago when I started trying to get pregnant with Conner! She worked with my doctor at his old office! How funny it was to run in to her there, where it wasn't even my original hospital! It made me feel better that there was a familiar face, she was GREAT. Everyone took great care of me.
Joe had to get dressed in a big suit that seemed to be made out of a paper towel and put a funny cap on his head! They got me ready to go into the operating room.. I was getting scared because I have never had a c-section or surgery while I was awake! They gave me a spinal- lasts longer and is stronger than an epidural- I think! It wasn't bad. I was a little freaked when I found out they had to put a cathedar in but it actually ended up being very convinient not having to get out of bed a million times to go to the bathroom! Since my bloodpressure was really high- reason of delivering- when they gave me the spinal and started getting ready my pressure kept dropping.. my ears start to block, I get light headed and feel dizzy like I am going to pass out.. and I get hot.. not fun, very scary! That happened a few times but the nice anesthesiologist was very good and fixed it right away! It was also a little scary because I couldn't feel from right below my neck and down... VERY STRANGE! I had a terrible cough and I had the feeling I needed to cough but I couldn't get the cough out because I couldn't feel my stomach/chest.. so it was weird but after a while my cough feeling went away.
Ryan came out first at 10:49am and weighed 6lbs 2oz and then Gavin came out at 10:50am and weighed 7lbs and 1/2 oz.. I couldn't believe it when I heard them say 7, I was very surprised! Ryan had always been the bigger one in all my ultrasounds, my last one though Gavin was catching up, but it had been over 2 - 2 1/2 weeks since I had a weight check u/s. They were perfect and healthy and did not need the NICU. Then they sewed and stapled me up and wheeled me to a new room. I was VERY out of it the rest of the day, in and out of sleep, numb and drugged! They had to give me a special drug because of the high bloodpressure, an anti-seizure medicine and it makes you all out of it- they gave me that for a day.
I couldn't believe I had two new baby boys... it still seems unreal to me at times.
While in the hospital, Ryan was the one always awake and Gavin was always asleep. Gavin ate fast and burped fast but spit up a bit they said and Ryan spit up a little. Gavin is awake more now that he is home, Ryan is the fussy one and they both were not spitting up really at all until we changed formula, now they spit up a little. Ryan burps really well now and Gavin sometimes is a slacker with his burps- other times he burps just when I pick him up to put him over my shoulder!!
They have changed so much in the 7 weeks we have had them, it is amazing. Ryan is catching up in weight and is only a few ounces smaller than Gavin.. his height needs to catch up but it doesn't seem like a big difference. They both look like Conner in different ways.. it is funny. Ryan's coloring is a little darker and his hair is dark. Gavin has lighter coloring and light hair- and has since gone bald in the middle of his head... like an old man!
Conner is a good big brother and sings twinkle twinkle to them, helps feed them when he feels like it and gives them their pacifiers- again, when he feels like it. He is going to keep on being a great big brother. I can't wait to see how they change and how they grow and look more and more like Conner and see the funny things they do. They are starting to make sounds other than crying now.. Gavin has been smiling for a little while and Ryan has just started to.. I think he is feeling better now, I think the formula bothered him more than Gavin and we also think Ryan has some colic so he is more cranky (but lately Gavin hasn't been so quiet, maybe jealous of the attention Ryan gets when he screams!) We are getting the hang of it. Sometimes I feed them both at once, plop them in the boppy pillows and sit on the couch- it saves a LOT of time... they don't always want to eat at the same time and sometimes Gavin would sleep through the night when Ryan was up every 2-3 hours. It always seems that once you get one settled the other starts to fuss! Or when you change one poopy diaper, then the other goes and poops! One time I had one crying, one spitting up, Conner yelling to me from the bathroom and the phone ringing- all at once!
We are starting to get the hang of getting out of the house with everything.. I had to make two quick trips to the doctors to get a last minute appointment because they both had diarhrea (sp) and the docs were like- can you be here for 2:30? When it was 1:50 and I would have to change their diapers, get myself dressed (no, I am not always in REAL clothes!) and then pack them into the car and drive 20 minutes! We also went to one of my mother of twins New Moms group for moms who have twins 18months and younger... I was an hour late by the time I got there because they decided they HAD to eat before we left.. Gavin would've been ok, but once Ryan wakes up and decides he wants to eat- there is no time.. he will cry until you give him the bottle! But luckily they slept the whole ride to Shirley and almost the whole time during the playgroup and I just fed them before I left.
So for the most part things are going great and the boys are very good.. they have their moments (and so do I) like all new babies and moms of twins do. Sometimes I doze off and the bottle is not actually in their mouth for a minute until I realize I am not awake! I am a little sleep deprived and I can't always "sleep when they sleep" but it is all worth it. Plus- I have a nice lineup of daytime television when I am not doing laundry, washing bottles, cleaning or sleeping! :)
If you haven't been to see us, what are you waiting for!? :)

Update on the Boys

2008-06-17T17:34:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had an u/s and a Dr. apt. I ended up seeing a midwife because they switched my apt from Tues to Monday (I wasn't seeing my regular doc anyways). The midwife was nice and thorough and mentioned things the doc hasn't yet- but that could be because I am further along now than the last time I actually saw my own doctor. ANYWAYS.....

I gained one pound in 3ish weeks, so thats good. Babies heart rates were good.. and I am measuring 34weeks (if I was having a singleton) I am 27 weeks... thats good though because I have heard some ladies measuring as much as 10weeks bigger.

Babies- at the u/s both boys looked great, heartbeats were perfect, size/growth was great. Baby B- Ryan.. measured at 2lbs 10oz :) And he gave us some good pics and good pics the other day at our 3d/4d u/s where they make the video and stuff... he was kicking a lot too! Baby A- Gavin.. measured 2lbs 5 oz, he was more head down and didnt give us a good look at his face, but did give a profile and a foot shot. :) the tech said that its not that baby A is smaller, baby B is just a little bigger than average at the moment.
So, all looked good with them and with me. I had my gestational diabetes test today, who knows when I will find out the results.. maybe if I have it they will call and schedule the 3hr test (ugh) but maybe they will wait til my next apt in 2 weeks, who knows. I go every 2 weeks now for appointments and still every 4 for u/s. I also found out that I will get non-stress tests because of the twins, those will be done in labor and delivery. I had them with Conner because of the Gest. Diabetes but they were done in the office, but that was the doctor's old office. So its good I got my visit to the hospital over with when I saw my friend Heather's baby. That trip was very emotional in good and bad ways. So that's taken care of and I think the NST start I think she said after 30 weeks, usually around 34.

I think that is it for now. I am going to try and scan some pictures at some point too.
:)

ps
Yesterday Conner asked how I got the babies in my tummy and why... then he said he doesn't want them to come home and we should give them to someone we don't know. He doesn't want them to take his toys. :)

Update

2008-06-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

Quick update... had my shower at school today.. it wasn't a surprise and I still cried when I got in... The whole pregnancy thing is emotional for me and brings back many emotions... I am happy, I am sad for Leah... happy I am blessed with these babies.... it is a lot of emotions... and just the thought of all the trouble everyone went through at work to do this for me..... it overwhelms me and makes me cry again.... I am very grateful... as the babies are kicking me right now.

Here I am at 26w4d

22w1d

2008-05-12T17:19:00.001-07:00

Here I am at 22w1d. Please don't mind the hair-do... end of the day...

Getting a little stressed here and there about feeling the BOYS (yup, 2 boys) kick. They always pull through but it is still stressful. I spent the past week with the stomache bug... NOT FUN! ugh....

Been A Long Time

2008-03-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

I was looking back at my myspace blogs to copy and update over here because it has been forever... I have a hard time keeping up with all my new groups and stuff.... I was looking for a pregnancy update blog.... but I don't have one!
I think I have just been waiting and being cautiously optimistic and just waiting to blog for when I had a lot of news and good pictures to scan! Well, the scanner isn't hooked up -- STILL, and my last u/s was at 10w4d and I couldn't take good pictures of the pictures and get them on the computer... Conner took a belly pic of me, it isn't the greatest.. so I need to get on the ball about that and scanning the pics.
Things are going well so far... hungry, tired, heartburn.... had some bleeding and spotting in the beginning but it has all stopped.... KNOCK ON WOOD... KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
So I am excited and of course nervous at the same time for many reasons.
But thats about it for now...... I will be better about blogging soon... I have to keep up with my American Idol blogs on myspace :)
Thanks for reading!

Things that make Me SMILE

2008-03-13T14:50:00.000-07:00

Things that Make me Smile.....

When Conner says Band-aid... bain-bain

When Conner calls his Spiderman Vitamins- spiderman spidermans

Knowing that I have two babies growing inside me!

Having TONS of good songs play on the radio on my drive home last night!

Sleep

Cucumbers with salt or ranch dressing

Watching LOST

Getting Real Mail, email, messages and comments on myspace :) (is that sad?)

When Conner adds "S" to a lot of his words... mines, peoples, jails

Whenever we tell Conner something he says "Cause Doctor said that?" "Cause Avery said that?" "Cause Judy said that?" "Cause peoples said that?"

We yell at Oreo, or we do something Conner didn't want or we do something wrong, he will say "That's ok, I still love you" or "But we still love you Oreo"

Conner will ask us a question and we give him the answer and he will say "Oh, I didn't know, I didn't know that" to almost everything!

Instead of saying tomorrow or tomorrow morning, Conner says "dis day in the mornin"

"Cause that's a good idea" From Conner

Pity Party

2007-12-16T10:35:00.000-08:00

I know many women are worse off than me with TTC and losses....but my pain is real too, everyone has their own pain. Right now my pain is great.
It is getting hard month after month trying to stay optimistic and it is hard listening to person after person say- when the time is right, it will happen, relax and it will happen, everything happens for a reason... blah blah blah. It is very hard to hear or read.
For me, it hasnt just been a year- I have been wanting a second child since my son turned one, thats when our TTC began...10-11 clomid cycles, countless blood tests, many vaginal exams, ultrasounds, checking my tubes, checking my uterus, waiting...shot after shot after shot, waiting, waiting and more waiting, getting hopes up only to be let down.... it starts to wear on your hopes and dreams, it wears on your emotional state. Not to mention the past memories, the people around you getting pregnant, going through a whole pregnancy and delivering their baby... I may lose it if someone goes on to have ANOTHER child while I have waited through their previous pregnancy and then go on to have another one.....
It is just really hard and I am having a bad few days... and the time, it goes by SOOOO SLOWLY... although for others they say- wow, you are on to your shots again already!? Ah, ya, I had to sit through about 48 days of just waiting and thinking about everything before I got to start again... that is a long time... But technically since I lost Leah, I am approaching 12months.. last year at Christmas it was very difficult because my loss was so new... I thought to myself- and others thought it too.... "by this time next year things will be a lot better" I figured I would either already have a baby or I would be pregnant...well, I am not. It is hard.... and I always have to say this disclaimer because I AM SURE people out there are thinking it- but I shouldn't have to justify my feelings or thoughts but I do it anyways, I like to please.
YES I KNOW I AM LUCKY I HAVE ONE SON ALREADY! I LOVE my son, HE IS THE BEST. I am heatlhy (except for this unexplained infertility), my husband is healthy, I have friends and family- also healthy , I have a job- I love my class, and a house... yes, I have all that... it doesn't make it any easier realizing my daughter is gone and I have yet to sustain a pregnancy again... it doesn't make it any easier. And I am not ready to "throw in the towel" and call it a complete family, my awesome son deserves a sibling and if Joe and I want another baby, we deserve to have another baby. I am not willing to give up on the meds and as people like to think "stop stressing and you will get pregnant" ahh, no, thats not the way it works... I obviuosly need some medical assistance especially seeing as how I have had some assistance and it is still not working.. I need the hormones to help me get pregnant.
It has been a long year and I am just ready to be pregnant, I want to be pregnant and I want this to work.
So, I am just in need of some hope, having a bad day.

My Day With Conner

2007-12-01T13:26:00.000-08:00

Today I took Conner to "Breakfast with Santa" at a local elementary school. We sat in the cafeteria and had semi-rubberlike pancakes- they tasted better once we put real syrup on them- juice and goodies. Then he bought a pair of reindeer antlers and we were off to the gym to see Santa. He was so excited and not shy at all this year. He went right over and sat on his lap and got his picture taken. I am a sucker because after I had decided to get the 4 pictures for $10 the lady said or if you have your own camera (which I did) you can just take your own. I said, oh- I will just do this, I had already started writing on the form and felt awkward... so I spent the $$. Oh well. Then we walked around the gym- they had a shopping area for the kids to buy presents for their parents and then people wrapped them for the kids. Then he said he was hungry so we went back in to the cafeteria where there were free goodies that parents brought in- donuts, cookies, muffins, breads, brownies-- if I had known that BEFORE I paid I probably wouldn't have spent the money on the pancakes..again, oh well. (seems like a trickery plan to me!) There was a table set up with crayons and coloring sheets of Christmas pictures- candycanes, stocking with a teddybear and presents (or as Conner called it- a sock with a bear), xmas tree, etc. We sat down and he colored a tree.. he was very proud. He wanted to see Santa again so we went back in to the gym and I bumped into a colleague who teaches 4th grade at another school, one of her daughters was going to be singing in the performance by the chorus. But Conner said he was getting tired and it was packed in the gym so we didn't stay for the singing. I did shoot a few pictures of Conner in his daddy's old school in front of cute bulletin boards and Christmas decorations... I was very surprised there were so many Christmas displays- I think there was a Hanukkah one, but to be truthful, I don't even think there are any temples or anything even IN Townsend or Pepperell or Ashby. It was very nice to see the decorations and cute fun things the kids had done.
ANYWAYS- I also took Conner's picture in front of a Townsend Police Car because it was parked out front! :)
Then we stopped by Grammy and Grampy Rollo's house and Timmy, Chloe and Carly were just being dropped off so we stayed and played for a little while.
Then it was off to Walmart to return blinds YET AGAIN, hopefully for the last time. Conner was SOO good while we shopped, he was getting tired and almost didn't make it there because the sun was in his eyes the whole ride and he was getting upset! We did have to buy some apple juice jugs and open one- and we had to buy straws because he wanted his cup that he left in the car because he wouldn't want it :) But he loved picking out presents for baby Brooke and baby Carly and BeBe and Great Bebe.. and then he got to see Santa, at Walmart, FOR FREE, and get a picture and a candycane-- sheesh! When Santa asked if he had any brothers or sisters at home he said ya... Avery.. I said, no he doesn't, Avery is his cousin! :)
I got a bunch of presents but I forgot the outside extension cords and light timers so I can finish my xmas lights-- but it is a WHOPPING 18 degrees in Ashburnham right now- YIKES.
We had to make one more stop, to exchange a pocketbook we bought for Chloe at Dollar Tree because the zipper was broken- IT WAS PACKED IN THERE! NO room to even walk! But I just said "excuse me" to the lady at the register and told her I had to exchange the pocketbook because it was broken and we were in and out in less than 2 minutes.
We were both pretty hungry now so we ran through the parking lot to Papa Gino's and got some spaghetti, meatballs and cheese breadsticks-- it was SOOO YUMMY! And the guy was nice and had them separate it into two dishes because I had asked if one meal would be enough for me and Conner, he even threw in some extra breadsticks :) That was nice of him, great customer service- about time I got that somewhere. It always seemed when I worked somewhere it was always "the customer is always right, and do whatever for the customer" but that was never the case when I was the customer anywhere- but today it was, so thanks Papa Gino's man.
While Conner and I were eating, he was being soooo cute, wiping his mouth after every bite and saying "see, my face is all clean!" He told me the meatballs and the sauce were spicey but that was okay because he likes spicy food sometimes. I told him "Thanks for hanging out with me all day buddy, I had fun" He said, "you're welcome, I want to make you happy" or I like to make you happy- one of those.... Isn't HE THE CUTEST, SWEETEST, Little boy??!!! Then he proceeded to eat, wipe his mouth and then he was singing and making noises and weird spazzy hand movements and laying down in the boothe like a typical little boy...
He is just the best, we had a great day and I wanted to share that with everyone, let you know how much I love my son.
:)

Just So SAD :(

2007-11-13T17:01:00.001-08:00

I am just so sad right now. I am worn down, I feel defeated and this is just so hard. I just need to lay in bed by myself and cry, can't I just do that please?
It is getting harder and harder seeing person after person become pregnant and deliver their babies happy and healthy. I never thought it would take this long with so many fertility treatments. In the beginning you are excited and hopeful for what could be... then after a few months of disappointments you start to get down but then think- its got to happen soon, the odds are in my favor... so then you are hopeful again. More months pass by - and its not like they pass by quickly OR easily- or without any bumps in the road.... its like its a dirt road with pot holes. Now its been many months and on to more tests and new procedures- and yet again , more people are having their babies, announcing pregnancies, having birthdays, Christenings, etc... and here I am , still waiting, sitting, helpless to the fertility gods--- or as I like to think of it-- just plain old stupid SCIENCE. Now I feel like being pregnant seems like a far off dream, it has been so long since I have gone througha whole pregnancy and delivered a healthy , crying baby.... it feels unreal- unimaginable. And I am just getting so down and all I want to do is cry. Of course I have to put on a happy face for school and Conner and people who just feel like saying "hey, how are you" as they pass by... little do they know that that question makes me cry :(
I probably have another 10-12 or even 14 days until I can call and get things in line for my next round of shots..... then that takes at minimum 14 days, sometimes 18 days for me... then add another 2 weeks to that to find out if it worked..... and geez, who only knows what it will be like it this next round doesn't work either.... it will be another long month of heartache... heartache that I am sick of having to deal with.
:(

Just one of those days..........

2007-11-09T16:00:00.000-08:00

The last couple days have been hard. I keep realizing how people are getting pregnant around me and I am watching them go through their whole pregnancy and deliver a baby and I am still at the starting gate going nowhere. So I am having a little pity party the last couple days. On top of that I have so much going on, it was report card week and parent teacher conferences for 3 days-- at least they went well :) SO much to do at home of course and I am tired and at times sad. I go through moments when I am happy and hopeful, just not today. And the stupid stress of the addition still not being finished and the dog is not getting trained whatsoever and that is supposed to be dh's responsibility because HE wanted the dog, but no, she keeps peeing and pooping all over the freakin place-- hasnt he learned by now I do not need ANY added aggravations. and it seems thats what it is, whether it be the fleas- the peeing, pooping, barking, biting and having to speak to Conner about- dont pick up the dog, dont try and trip and kick the dog, put the dog down, watch out for the dog. etc etc, it just doesnt seem worth it.
Halloween was a little hard realizing it couldve been Conner and Leah dressed up all cute :(
I am just a little teary and frustrated. Sometimes I just dont have the energy or I am not in a good mood to post.

PS
I got a tattoo in memory of Leah, I will have to post pics once we get the camera downloaded to the big computer, laptop isnt working with the internet now... of course!

Update....

2007-10-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

UPDATE
Went in for my bloodwork this morning and found out right before Conner and I went to a birthday party. My numbers dropped. I am having a miscarriage :( I am sad but not surprised, I was expecting it. I also said I didn't want to have an unhealthy pregnancy. I did let myself get excited for a few moments, thinking- Oh my., I actually might be pregnant! But it is not going to work out. Ok- I cried and probably will cry a little more, but what really got me was when the nurse told me I had to take this month off from trying- with my injections and everything. :( I have been waiting since I was pregnant with Leah for my baby- and now 7 months of fertility treatments and I have to wait another one to get started again. (And if one more person says-- well, you're young, you have time-- I really will want to punch them, yell at them and run away!)
I was not expecting that. Many people start trying again that same cycle, but I can't, not with the meds. My hormones and levels are all a mess right now so they can't start me on my injections. I have to wait a whole month and call them back when my period comes again. :( I have to keep going in for bloodwork until my HCG levels are back down to 0 .
I was not expecting to have to take a month off!!! This upsets me. I am sure it is for the best, my body needs to be regulated and what not and I can always try on my own, but I don't want anything bad to happen. So I probably won't. Maybe I will exercise a little more on my month off (well, maybe I will exercise- I havent since July!) and then I will be able to organize and straighten out the house and get everything set up in the addition- all that cleaning and heavy lifting would not have been good if I was pregnant. And I can also get my Leah tattoo- can't get that if you are pregnant. So I will do these things and hopefully my next cycle will be here before we know it. If it doesn't come within 30 days I can call the doctors and they will help me out.

Now I am on a 30 day break...... geeez, I thought 2 weeks - went by slow--- now I have to wait 30 days!!!!!! :(

Why?

2007-10-19T15:20:00.000-07:00

I was thinking this month was a total bust. I had been off and on with my positive/negative thinking but once I saw a negative pregnancy test and had cramps and spotting- i figured, its over. I resigned myself to that fact- after a little crying, and I was ready to move on to the next cycle- we would do it!
So waiting and waiting for AF to show (thats a period for those who dont know the lingo). I am wondering if she won't show because I am on progesterone (to help if there is a pregnancy). So I call so that I can move up the day I go in for my bloodtest so I can stop the progesterone and get on with it already- why waste time?
I get to go in on 13dpiui (days post IUI (intra-uterine-insemination) ). I get the call at 5pm. "Are you still spotting? Because your test was not negative but your numbers are low, your HCG is 14.7." The nurse said we have to watch it closely and see what happens, it could be an ectopic (egg implanted in the tube), or who knows, we just don't know this early. It's more "wait and see" I don't want to wait and see!

My number should be higher- if it were a great healthy pregnancy- or even more than one baby-- I had 4 eggs release- the number should be higher- I was even hoping for more than one baby- one healthy one of course, but two healthy even better. Now it looks like I get one, but it might not be healthy :(
Of course we could be jumping to conclusions, you are supposed to see what your numbers do- they are supposed to double every 2 days or so. So I go back in Saturday morning and find out more information Saturday afternoon.

- I want to be pregnant-- if it's healthy and going to last
- I want to be happy about being pregnant- I barely got to enjoy any of my pregnancy with Leah
-I don't want there to be something wrong
- I don't want to be pregnant for a few weeks only to lose it
- I don't want to be scared something is going to happen- something other than the normal things I would already be worrying about
- Bleeding and cramps and low numbers worry me that it is not a healthy one :(
-I would rather start over with another cycle and have it be a good sticky healthy one
Does this make sense? Do I sound ungrateful? because I am not, I am worried and I just want it to be NORMAL.... and all I can do is wait and worry, and of course it is all out of my control.
geeez

SHARE Walk

2007-10-08T17:17:00.001-07:00

Pictures from Leah's birthday

2007-10-08T17:12:00.000-07:00

That's all I ask from You

2007-10-07T16:14:00.001-07:00

That’s all I ask, is to be remembered, thought about- made to feel that people remember my daughter and that she WAS born and that I am going through a rough time right now. That’s all I ask.
Thanks to those who reached out to let me know they cared- in whatever way it was- an email, a message, a phone call, a card, flowers, I thank you, and Leah thanks you too.

Soo many things

2007-10-07T08:07:00.000-07:00

I have so many feelings right now.
Leah's day hit me harder yesterday, Oct. 6 and I am still sad today.
I am not even in the mood to post really. I have pictures from the SHARE walk we did yesterday and pics from Leah's day on Friday. So I will blog about them when I feel better.

Right now I am sad for Leah and sad and anxious about this IUI cycle. I want it to work out so badly!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I am trying to be hopeful but I don't want to get my hopes up. My last bunch of cycles were not like this in the 2ww that I can remember. This is going to be a long 12 days now, maybe 10, we'll see.
How will I make it through? I know, keep busy. I will be busy once the weekend is over, I always am but right now all I want to do is sleep and watch tv :(

My first injection….

2007-09-19T20:52:00.000-07:00

Today I went and got my uterus and my ovaries checked out! WOO HOO, bet you are excited to read about this! Don’t worry, nothing to tell. They checked out fine and my bloodwork was fine too (not pregnant, duh). But MAN- the cramps set in, I was in such pain all day- it was hard to walk around and it was even painful to sit down. Sheesh, I don’t know if they just went away or if it was all the advil, but they calmed down a bit, thank goodness. A good thing about this morning was I got to the lab early. Patient registration took me right in, then the lab- I didn’t have to wait, woo hoo. I had to wait about a half hour for the ultrasound but it is first come first served and I was early and they took me at 8. I was in my car at 8:30 and got in to my room at school around 9:20, so that was good, didn’t miss anything really- homeroom ends at 9:10.

So, I decide to watch my video on how to put together my little epi-pen type contraption and give myself the shot. It seems like it is difficult, make sure you clean this, put this here, twist this- stick it in, click, wait…. Yikes. I am getting scared, I want to make sure I put it together correctly and give myself the shot the right way, blah blah blah. So I watch each step of the videos (they couldn’t put them altogether, you have to click on each one separately- one to put it together, one to check to make sure it works, one to dial up your dose, one to give the injection, one on how to dispose of the needle…again, sheesh.

I had everything set, I wiped the spot where I was going to stick myself- with an alcohol pad…. But I was a little nervous… I started to cry a little. Joe asked if I wanted him to do it- he was playing “Cars” the video game with Conner. I said no- who is he kidding- he HATES needles! I figured it would be easier if I did it myself.

I get up the nerve and it’s a tiny little prick and I watch the needle go all the way in- I can’t feel it- YAY. Now I have to push in the button to release the meds, I am thinking it might hurt like when I got my rabies shot (hahahah) or the flu shot, but no, couldn’t really tell. Then I have to leave it in for 5 seconds and pull it out. OK- I did it! Now all I have to do is find my little container to dispose of the needle and I had to watch the video on how to get the needle out and throw it away properly. Now I am wondering- what to do with the vile left in the pen, take it out and put it in the refridgertator ( they had to be refrigerated when they arrived in the mail) or should I leave it in the pen and put it in the refrigerator? I quickly looked through the paper that came in the box and I can do either- I opted to leave it in the pen and just put that in the fridge.

I was a tiny sore, but I think that’s gone now. But, as I was watching “Rock of Love” with Bret Michaels (yay- the one I wanted to be eliminated was!!) I started to feel drunk- but not in my head and top of my body.. You know that feeling you feel when you are a little buzzed or drunk?? Anyways, I was feeling that but from my stomach down… weird… what kind of drugs do they have me on!!!? It is strange, we’ll see how it is when I get up from the chair to go to bed!

One shot down, dose of 75.. I have to do it Thurs, Fri and Sat night and then go in on Sunday morning to get more bloodwork and another ultrasound to see what my follicles are doing.. Woo hoo, wish me LUCK PLEASE!!!!!

Trying to stay ......well, just taking it minute by minute

2007-09-07T19:31:00.000-07:00

These next few weeks are going to be tough. People have always said that the weeks/days before the date you are worrying about are worse than the actual day itself and I am sure that is the case this time too.

I will be reliving all the horrible moments that happen a year ago. I still relive it in my head at random times as it is already. Some of it is still so clear, like it happened yesterday and at other times it feels so long ago. Yet I still cry, and at the moment I cry very easily.

It is hard because at this time last year I had found out recently I was having a girl, then we were worried about her 2 vessel umbilical cord, then we found out she was perfectly healthy so we were excited. I told my students, my belly was showing proudly- the puking had finally stopped (back at around 16weeks).... and then it all started. So I will be remembering every moment of the phone call to the doctors, telling the principal I had to leave, the lonnnnnnng 20 minute ride in lunch traffic to the office, having to wait in the room for the doc- thinking- I am just worrying for nothing, it will be fine.... then the doctor not finding the heartbeat, taking my pulse, sending me to the u/s room.... I can recount almost every bit of it... and I am sure I will make myself read the journals I wrote about the whole thing and about Leah's funeral as well, maybe it will be somewhat theraputic.

I was more excited to go to my Birth Loss Support group yesterday than having my first day back at school teaching. I knew I needed the group because hard times were coming, I could just feel I was on the verge of tears. Last month I missed the meeting, completely forgot about it! So that is a good thing- I was busy with my anniversary coming up, Conner, getting ready for vacation, etc. It slipped my mind. But I KNEW I needed to go last night. It was a VERY emotional meeting. There were 2 new couples who joined our small group. It is always sad to welcome new members. We feel their pain and cry with them. I hate knowing someone else went through something as horrible as I did. I hope to think I can be of some tiny bit of help in some small way. (Being the emotional crying timebomb I have been and will be for a few weeks, I probably didn't help much! But I can put it out there that I am here to talk, vent, cry and offer any advice I have (if any!)

Along with the horrible memories (but in a small way, still happy to see my little girl, see that she looks like her brother, hold my baby and give her love and kisses before she went off to Heaven forever and tell her how much we love her) I am still dealing with my infertility and like so many other ladies, I too wish I was already pregnant and thought I possibly would be pregnant or even close to giving birth by the time Leah's anniversary came around....but I am not.. this cycle will probably go on forever too because I am anticipating getting started with my new injectable medications.

So I am going to take it one minute, one hour and one day at a time and I know I will get through it and there HAS To be some GOOD things to come, there just has to. I visited my Leah today to water the flowers her grandmother brought to her grave and to see that her stone was fixed (a small piece fell out- it had only been there like 4 days!!!) So she knows I love her, no matter how many times I visit, she knows I think about her EVERY DAY, and if she didn't - I reminded her when I was there :) So if you read this, please pray for my little angel Leah and for me and my family, we can use all the positive thoughts you can send our way during this difficult time.

Conner's Trip to the ER

2007-08-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

I thought Conner's first trip the the ER would be because he broke something or needed stitches...nope!
Friday night he was not feeling up to par, I was at the Indigo Girls with a friend of Joe's from work, Joe was at her house hanging with the husband and all the kids. Conner didn't feel like eating pizza, didn't want to run around and go on the swings. He fell asleep at 8:15. He had been up late the night before because we were at a cookout with my family and we slept at grammy's and he was up early. But he kept waking up and saying his tummy hurt. Joe told him he could sleep with us, thinking this would make him feel better.

We get home at midnight and bring him to bed. He is still saying his tummy hurts but he falls asleep. He wakes up once or twice saying his tummy hurts still and at 5am he was burning up, temp 101.8 and his tummy still hurts and he can't sleep. We decided to take him to the ER. Lucky for us nobody was in the waiting room.

They get him in and take his temp, 101.3 for them. They said they would like to get some blood work and x-ray of the belly, that is standard whenever a kid comes in with a fever and belly pain.
Taking blood was horrible, noone likes to see their baby get stuck with needles! They are telling him he can't move, he is THREE! Of course he is going to flinch and move when they stick him with a needle. They couldn't get it in the first arm so they tried the other arm and it worked and he calmed down and watched them collect 3 tubes of blood. He got to pee in a cup and get x-rays. We had to do some explaining that it wasn't going to hurt and how neat it was too. They took one of him laying down and then one standing up. After that was over he finally fell asleep, poor little guy.

I called my parents and they came right up. It was good to have them there, for me and Joe and for Conner. The doctor said that Conner's white blood count was elevated and they saw a little pool of fluid in his belly. This could mean he has a virus. After Conner had been sleeping for a little bit the new nurse comes in nice and loud and says they want to do a cat scan and we have to have him drink this drink. So, we had to wake him up- nobody likes to be woken up, and tell him to drink this nice drink- I really think it was raspberry crystal light- it looked and smelled just like it! I asked if he had to drink all of it, and they said they would actually like him to drink 2 glasses of it! That didn't happen, we got him to finally drink about an inch of drink- that was a lot! Joe bribed him with Chuck E Cheese's, said he could go if he drank, the more he drank the more rides he could go on at CEC. We keep getting him to take little sips.

My parents arrived right as Conner was going in for his scan. He didn't want it of course and when he saw the huge machine he started crying. The guy was really good about it, he said he was going to be there all day and if Conner needed to go back to his room and calm down, it was fine, just bring him back when he was ready. We kept talking to him, telling him how daddy goes on this machine a lot, and it's just like a ride and the tech was showing him how it moves back and forth and up and down and lights go on. We told him it was just like a spaceship. We had to take his shirt and shorts off but we got him to lay down on the machine and he did really good.Joe and I put on the xray aprons and we stayed with him the whole time. The guy talked on the speaker and did a blastoff countdown for Conner. It was good, he had fun and as soon as he got off he said " I go to Chuck E Cheese now!" We got him dressed and walked back to the room and he got to see Mimi and BB and that made him all excited. He was starting to pep up, maybe the tylenol was working. After a while of convincing him he couldn't go home and CEC was still closed, he layed down on me on the bed. Now we are waiting for the results.

The new doctor (shift change) came in, she was nice. She was explaining everything and all the scenarios. She called the surgeon to come in and look at everything. Everyone has been looking at his cat scan but since he is so tiny, has no fat, the machine is bigger and he didn't drink enough of he contrast drink, it was hard to get a good look. They were looking at what they thought was his appendix and enlarged the pictures but then they look all grainey. They had about 3 different docs/techs and the surgeon look at them. The doc said that they may want to take Conner to Worcester to see the pediatric surgeon. What they want to rule out is an appendicitis, thats what they usually think when there is a fever, belly pain and high white blood count. But she said other than the white blood count, fever and small amount of fluid, Conner was perfectly healthy. His urine sample was fine and all his other organs and tests were fine, so THAT WAS A RELIEF. Because of course we are thinking- appendicitis, or cancer or who knows what!

The surgeon comes in and is talking to us and he is very good... except for the fact that he said we don't really know what is wrong with Conner. He made Conner jump up and down and he said if it was his appendix he would not be able to jump up and down, and after all the people looking at his scan, they can pretty much rule that out. He said there were a couple scenarios and if some of the results were different we would be talking surgery, and we are not. He said it could be the start of a virus because they counts weren't high enough to suggest the virus was there for a while, it was just starting.. ?? I don't know , he was saying a lot! But for the most part, he said, we did the right thing bringing him in and we could take him home. He said to come back if our instincts tell us too. If his fever doesn't go away, he is puking, getting worse... bring him back. The doc also said to give his doctor a call to let her know everything that went on. They said if he didn't get better we would bring him back and repeat his bloodwork and see what his white count did- if it went up. That's the only way to really tell.

We got him home- he wa very excited to leave. They said to give him lots of juice, liquids and if he feels like eating- carbs, and to take it easy. We got him to take some chewable tylenol and rest. He wouldn't let my parents leave. Joe went up to take a nap- because we didn't get much sleep and Conner and I rested downstairs with my parents. After a while he did let my parents leave and he fell asleep for about an hour, maybe an hour and a half, so I got an hour nap! He is feeling better, still has a small fever. Of course, what is he asking about the whole day... Chuck E Cheese, he is wondering when it is opening and when he is going. Once his fever went down and he was starting to perk up,... we brought him! We were giving him whatever he wanted that day- he was brave and went through a LOT, poor kid. Joe gave him some ground rules about taking it easy and not running. He doesn't go in the tunnel, climbing thing with the slide so thats good. He played a bunch of video games and went on a couple rides. After that we took him to McDonald's because he said he was hungry- he ate a couple fries, that's it though. He was feeling much better. We let him sleep with us again and he wanted to go to bed early so I put Caillou on and we both fell asleep.

No more fever, he is eating up a storm and bossing us around. He has played his Lightening McQueen video game a ton, went outside, watched tv... he is back to normal now.

That was pretty scary, but I bet if we didn't take him to the doctors it probably would've been just like a regular little quick bug with a fever, we just know more because they did bloodowork and all that jazz. So who knows, whenever you don't feel good and have a virus or fever, maybe that's what happens to your bloodcount and maybe that's what happens in your belly... nurses/docs out there... help me out!

All I know is my baby is ok and I am glad. I felt bad for him having to go through all that, and I didn't enjoy the worrying either. He is a tough kid, what a trooper!

You had me fooled.....

2007-08-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I was certainly starting to be fooled with this cycle. I tried not to think about whether I was pregnant or not in my two weeks waiting (for those of you who don't know, when you are TTC - trying to conceive... they give you a 2 week window after you ovulate before you usually find out if you are pregnant or not - give or take a few days... some ladies go 14 days after they ovulate, I tend to go anywhere from 11-14 days)
Anyways- I was on vacation so I was trying not to think about it much.. and I wasn't temping (taking my temperature). I had a few cases of heartburn- probably the spicey stuff I was eating, a couple times I felt nauseaus but that could've been the food and the heat... so who knows. Yesterday and today my cramps have been almost non-existant. I figured, ok today I am 11dpo, I think I'll take my temp if I wake up on my own at the right time....98.5... hmm, thats a good one. I did not take a test first thing in the morning.. I figured I would wait and see if the cramps would set in....not too much...

Now I am thinking- ok, if I am pregnant this cycle, that means no HSG next month (checking of my tubes) and no cycle of injectable meds... thats good! I decided to take a test mid-day... I get a little case of the butterflies in my stomach- mostly because of excitement but I am thinking- odds are that I am not pregnant...... and

I am not. So, I am a teeny sad but I am for the most part ok with it because I know things are going to get done in the next month and a half. It might be neat (although time consuming and hard to schedule in because it will be the beginning of school... but oh well!) to see the ultrasounds of my ovaries growing follicles that will become eggs that will hopefully become my baby or babies! We shall see. Of course I will keep you posted.

Fertility Appointment

2007-08-01T08:58:00.001-07:00

So, we had our appointment at The Reproductive Science Center yesterday... 2 hours later and a lot of info given, I have mixed emotions.

The next step in my fertility treatment would be to move on to injectible meds. They don't like people to be on clomid for more than 6 months for many reasons... this is my month 6. They also may put me on a drug called metformin to help with my cycles- along with the injectible meds . I thought I was getting ahead of the game by getting all my bloodwork done ahead of time but it looks like I won't be able to have the IUI (intra-uterine insemination) next month. I have to have an HSG done again because its been 4 yrs since the last one. An HSG is thwhere they shoot die into your uterus and fallopian tubes to see if they are blocked or not. I can't have the IUI and HSG done in the same month so this disappointed me a bit. I also have to get more bloodwork donebut I don't mind that I have good veins! But, I want to get moving on this and it wouldve been perfect timing because school is now starting a whole week later because of budget stuff so it wouldn't make things harder with morning appointments- bloodwork and ultrasounds. - When you are doing an IUI cycle you have to go in many days for bloodwork to check your hormones and ultrasounds to check your follicles growing so that they can time the insemination perfectly with ovulation. Now this is all going to end up being done around the 2nd or 3rd week of September. Depending on what time I can get my u/s done I can get up early- and they said I can get it done in Gardner- not drive all the way to Lexington- so thats good... I maybe only miss my first class... but- this comes first in my life right now, and it will only be a few times (well, I dont know, maybe 5-6?)

I still have to make a few phone calls and remind them to send Joe's bloodwork from my OB's office to RSC and my bloodwork was incomplete so they need to send the whole thing again because one part wasn't ready when they sent it and its an important one- the estrogen!

The injectible meds kinda scare me but I knew that was the next step in getting me pregnant and I will deal with it- I will suck it up! Gotta do what ya gotta do.
This is all of course if I don't get pregnant this month. Which- of course I want to... but then I think well, maybe I am better off with having them monitor me and whatnot.
The chance of getting pregnant is higher with the injectible meds and the chance of overstimulating the ovaries is smaller because they are monitoring me. The chance with having multiples goes from 5% on clomid to 20% with the injectibles. The psychic said I was going to have twins! Of course that would be nice... a LOT of hard work and I am sure my life would be drastically changed but.. I have no control over it really. It would be nice if I had boy/girl twins or both girls.... you see, I want to have a girl.. and if I get pregnant with one child and its a boy, I am going to want to try again for a girl-- I LOVE MY BOY, but I do want a girl too. It would be easier to get it done with one pregnancy- if I get pregnant with one girl I will be done no more kids but if its not, I have to go through all this fertility stuff again and a worrysome pregnancy because of what happened last time and that will be hard, thats why getting it done with one more pregnancy would be best.. does this make sense?

So who knows right now, my ovaries are killing me right now so it's about that time!

And by the way, my biopsy (on my boob!) came back normal, the lump is just a lump. GOOD
We shall see what happens... Stay tuned for addition updates maybe a DEAR blog like Shanny does a blog about Conner and his soccer and how he is having surgery on a cyst he has on his chest :( I am very scared about this! The whole surgery thing on my baby!

Getting Frustrated

2007-07-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

I am getting frustrated with my dh. It happens from time to time and I try to let things go but when they start to pile up, one small thing on top of another, it just gets me mad. :( I don't like to be a nag, I like to be a good wife, I don't like to "rock the boat" which he doesn't either. But how many times do I have to say - check the dryer- see if it works again or we have to get another one- THE LAUNDRY IS PILING UP!!!!!!!! I guess he doesn't care if he has clean clothes- yes, we have a ton of clothes, but come on! The laundry is really piling up and I am the one who has to do it, fold it AND put it away!!!!
I did the dishes (well, the dishwasher did) , it had to be at least last Thursday or more... went away with Conner and my parents Fri-Sun, and here it is Monday night and they are still in there, sitting there clean, with dirty dishes piling up in the sink. How hard is it to actually scrape the food off the plate into the disposal? NOT hard for me. I don't mind putting the trash out now that it is summer but during the year it is just as hard for me to get up and get the trash out while getting myself ready and ds ready for the day. It's been about a year and I am the one who puts it out the majority of the time. Throw away your snack wrappers, soda bottles..not too difficult. Throw your dirty clothes in the hamper, hang clothes back up... are these things unrealistic? I am being nit-picky?
Yes, he mows the lawn- every once and a while. He is the one who usually takes care of dinner and he pays the bills online- handles the money since he works at the bank. After being away from your son all weekend (3 days) wouldnt you want to play with him more than for 20ish minutes? Play your poker AFTER your son goes to bed. I love the extra money that comes in from poker, but which is more important, play poker while your son is awake and wants to play with you- or play after he goes to bed? I am tired of hearing- not right now buddy.
I am just being negative about every little thing right now because I am in a bad mood. Conner loves his dad and he loves him back and he is a great dad, I just think that sometimes he could do more with him and play poker after Conner goes to bed.
And don't get mad at the wife if you come up 45 min after she goes to bed and she doesnt want to give up any action! Especially when the wife has to get up early in the morning, get the kid ready for daycare and get to a class which she will automatically be late for because of the time daycare opens, drive time and distance the class is away from home!!
Am I asking too much?

Just feeling sad today, I am entitled

2007-06-21T15:13:00.001-07:00

For some reason I am feeling sad today. It could be because I went back to the OB today to make sure my ovaries aren't over stimulated, which they are not so good. It was just a little upsetting to have to be going there and not be pregnant. I got a prescription for 100 mg of clomid with 3 refills- so 4 rounds. He wants me to do this round that I already started, then another next month and if not pregnant that round, take a month off to have an endometrial (?) biopsy done to make sure I am actually ovulating.... I think I am. I am assuming that I will still take clomid that month so that I ovulate so when they check if I am ovulating they are seeing if the clomid is working. I asked if we could do a blood test but he said this is the best way. I am not thrilled about taking a month off, but maybe I will arrange it so that its a month that my due date wouldn't be the greatest... even though he told me 2 rounds including this one... but he gave me my prescription with 3 refills. I really don't want to be due in July, August, September, maybe even October because then I have a real stinky maternity leave... I know, can't be picky but I am going to want to stay home with my baby! So hopefully it won't have to come to that and I will get pregnant in the next couple months... this month my due date would be March I think, then the next would be April, then May, those are all good months, so HOPEFULLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!!!

Joe came home later from golfing. After Conner went to bed he wanted to cuddle with me, thats fine. He didn't even ask about my appointment, obviously he forgot. I told him I was feeling very sad today and I don't like feeling that way. I was crying. He asked if it was about Leah, and I said sort of, Leah, getting pregnant, losing weight, wanting to eat all the time (the last few days/week), just everything. All he said was sorry. He said I was looking really skinny (I am not but I have lost around 10 lbs). But thats all he did was say sorry and hug me, thats great and all but I want him to try and make me feel better, say something else besides sorry, give me a pep talk, something. So I am still kind of blah today (I didn't finish this post all in one day, it is now the next day) I have things I want to get done, organize more stuff for the yard sale, price it,exercise, clean a little bit of the living room and dining room and sweep up and vacuum up some of the insulation that is everywhere. But I have a feeling I won't be so productive. I am just so bummed right now. It stinks. :(

New Pics of the addition.....

2007-06-18T13:52:00.000-07:00

A Great Man, My Uncle, John Melchiorri

2007-06-16T15:48:00.000-07:00

Johnny, Uncle John, and Conner at Grampy Gal's 90th Birthday, October 2006

I will always love and remember you Uncle John. I will miss your laugh and your hugs. You were a great man, uncle, father, husband and son. You were taken too soon from us and there is never a good reason why. Watch over us in Heaven with Grammy, Leah and my Grammy Marshall. Love you always.

Dianne

GHS
Fri Jun 15, 2007, 01:00 AM EDT

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Key West, Florida. Yes, why not?

Howie Nickerson kept telling his friend John Melchiorri he'd take him there. Maybe they both knew it was a pipe-dream. Maybe not. It seemed to be working though.

One night, Nickerson was talking on the phone to John's wife, Robin. Nickerson heard his friend say in the background "I'm not going to die. Howie's taking me to Key West."

Pipe-dream.

The goal became more modest. They just wanted to get John home, so he could die surrounded by familiarity, not antiseptic white uniforms and walls. That didn't happen, either. The great John Melchiorri took his last breath at UMass Medical Center in Worcester Sunday night, cancer winning the last end game. He was 50.

1975. The Natick High football team was reeling from the sudden death of legendary head coach Dan Bennett. Then the Redmen had to open the season against mighty Brockton. If Vegas took lines on high school games, Natick vs. Brockton wouldn't have made the cut. The Boxers, and by three touchdowns or more, was the pervading notion.

There was a moment of silence for Bennett before the game. Was it the memory of the coach that inspired Natick's shocking 21-14 upset? Once the Bay State League season started, would Natick be a team that could sustain the emotional high of the Brockton game?

The Redmen lost only once that year, 8-6 to Milton, made it to the Super Bowl for the first time and croaked Reading, 26-14. The MVP of the team was halfback John Melchiorri. When spring came, Melchiorri, a dynamic center fielder, was the MVP again. So it only made sense that he was the Class of 1975's Athlete of the Year.

"He was a great player," says Bob Ghilani, Natick's assistant baseball coach then. "He made more great catches that haven't been duplicated. He was the best center fielder we've had, no question. I can still see him turning his back to the plate and going and getting it. He caught everything."

Warren Prim, the quarterback of the Super Bowl team, loves telling this baseball story. The head coach was John Carroll. "He told me once he thought I'd be his first .400 hitter," says Prim. "Guess who was?" Needless to say, Melchiorri hit .404 that year.

Melchiorri packed about 155 pounds, at the most. But was he tough? "He never gave an inch," says Ghilani. "I remember the Framingham North football game when John was sick, throwing up. I told him I didn't think he should play. He said, 'Don't worry. I'm playing.' He scored two or three touchdowns."

"He was the best athlete I ever played with," says Prim. "John had speed, quickness, agility. He could throw the option pass. He wasn't the tallest or the biggest, but he could stick 'em with the best of them."

John could juke, but he'd just as soon take on an opponent head-on. Tough.

Off the field, there was a different Melchiorri. "I never heard him badmouth anybody," says Prim. "He always had a smile."

That's pretty much the way he stayed. "He never had a big head about how good he was," says Nickerson.

He was modest even though Mike Lavezzo, Melchiorri's friend since Little League, says "John was Doug Flutie before Doug Flutie!" Not a bad complement right there.

John just wasn't comfortable bringing up the glory days. "He'd say, 'You know Robin, that was a long, long time ago.' "

Ah, Robin.

They met at a '50s dance club in Bellingham. Both were divorced.

"He looked at me from across the room, and that was it," says Robin. "He was so handsome."

Ever agile and light on his feet, John loved to dance. She did too, and they danced.

"The first thing I told him was that I had three beautiful girls," says Robin. He'd seen her there before. "He told me, 'You looked lost.' " Well, maybe a divorced woman with three daughters needed to be found. But not by just anybody.

Oh, Robin tried. "I'd gone out with all these stupid jerks," she says. "John hadn't been out much."

Robin and John began seeing each other. The spark was real. She liked the way he constantly talked about family, and his son. "John was a caretaker," she says. "He took care of everyone."

Then it was he who needed the caring. And Robin was there, every step of the way. "We never did anything apart," says Robin. "It was me and John. We always held hands. We were together for nine years, married for seven."

Robin was a runner. That would be another nice thing to do with John. So they ran. Then John started having stomach pains. "He was a strong man," says Robin, not one to complain.

One day they ran and the pain was just too much. "He just stopped," says Robin. "He couldn't do it."

Let's see a doctor, said Robin, an ICU nurse at Milford hospital. He thought maybe the pain would go away. She insisted he go to the doctor. It was colon cancer, the tumor as big as a tennis ball. They removed it. That was last October. In March, the cancer was back and marching through his body.

It's been a sad and poignant week for Robin. John died Sunday. Tuesday little Johnny, the one child they had together, graduated from kindergarten. Robin was there, of course, but then drove to John Everett's in Natick to make funeral arrangements. Wednesday was the wake. Yesterday the burial. Then on with life, the period of adjustment without her man.

Mike Montgomery was one of John's best friends, a football teammate at Natick High. "John's mental toughness was phenomenal," says Montgomery. "He'd run over kids, and he wasn't big at all. He'd get knocked out of the game and a couple of plays later he'd be back in there.

"When we needed something we turned to John. He was very shifty, like Barry Sanders. If you caught up to him, he'd just put his shoulder into the guy. What I remember is people saying 'Go, Johnny, go!' He was the heart and soul of the team."

Melchiorri led the team in rushing in his junior and senior years. He caught 20 passes his last year, and scored one-third of Natick's points. He played defensive back, only coming off the field on kickoffs.

"John was the go-to guy," says Dan Donahue, who played in the backfield with Melchiorri. "Great speed, great moves. He had a sense of where to go."

Reading High knew all about Melchiorri when the Super Bowl came around. They focused on him. The Natick coaches figured that would be the case. Someone else in the backfield might have to step up.

"But they didn't share that with me," says Donahue. "Maybe they thought I'd be too nervous. I fumbled on the first play. But they kept giving me the ball."

Donahue scored three touchdowns. The decoy just smiled.

The emptiness will never subside. Robin already knows that. She is free-spirited by nature, resilent like Johnny was, and that will steel her. Family and friends will help too.

She reflects on eyballing the most handsome guy in the world, across a crowded 50's dance floor. She knew right away, instinctively, as women often do. They danced the night away, a bunch of nights, their hearts rekindled, the loneliness dissipating, the need to look for companionship, and more, fading.

"We had a great life," she says.

Not quite 10 years. Still, a great life.

(Lenny Megliola is a Daily News columnist. His e-mail is lennymegs@aol.com)

The Nice Stenographe DMR Machine + Me = Good News

2007-05-23T18:01:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen- Everyone should read this information, it could save your life!
As if my family has not gone through enough in the past few years....about a month (or a little less) ago I noticed a lump on my breast. GREAT! At first I was worried, then I tried to convince myself it was nothing, then I was worried....your breasts change during your cycle , etc etc. Anyways, I knew I would not feel better about it unless I got it checked out. So I went to the doctor and she said I should call to let her know if I am pregnant or not the next week and we will schedule appointments. Well, I was NOT pregnant so she went ahead and scheduled a mammogram and an ultrasound.
I ended up getting the u/s first because of my age they thought they could rule out the mammogram by doing u/s first. They could not see anything on the screen ( so I guess it wasn't a cyst like the doc said it could be, clomid can cause cysts - I thought only on ovaries but I guess I thought wrong) BUT it could be felt (the lump) just not seen. They said they can't see fatty tissue on an u/s but they can on a mammogram. So off to the mammogram I go.. in my pants and then nice hospital gown. The lady puts a special sticker on the lump and then another on the side, I think it just said LEFT or something, I don't know, I let her do what she needed! I was very scared it was going to hurt A LOT, but it really did not. I guess I have the perfect size boobs, not too small and not too big because either of those would make the mammogram more painful-- or maybe I just have a high tolerance for pain, who knows. So, they only did the one with the lump and it was over quickly.
Then I had to sit there while she went to show the xrays to the doctor. I am sitting and sitting and sitting waiting. Thinking, oh great, its taking a long time, what if they ask if anyone came with me today and that I should go get them, please not that! I was told by a co-worker that if they come back and need to take more pictures its not necessarily a bad thing, it could've been that they just need a different angle or something, so I was prepared for that. But after waiting for what seemed like an eternity, she came back- her name was Diane (spelled wrong!) by the way, and there were 2 other Dianne's in the waiting room with me that morning, weird huh. So she came back and said the doctor didn't see anything and I could go home. I would get the report from my doctor soon.
YAY, what a load off my mind. I get dressed and go out to find Joe- he was getting a soda- I guess the waiting around was too much! Anyways, I think he might've given me a high five.. I can't remember. But then I had the rest of the day off to relax, unwind, watch tv , rest, then I went to Walmart and I even exercised! I still don't like that there is a small lump there but I can deal, I AM VERY LUCKY !
SO-------------------------------
I am getting all my information from the following website.. all credit goes to them
http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/index.html

..>
A lump is detected, which is usually single, firm, and most often painless.
A portion of the skin on the breast or underarm swells and has an unusual appearance.
Veins on the skin surface become more prominent on one breast.
The breast nipple becomes inverted, develops a rash, changes in skin texture, or has a discharge other than breast milk.
A depression is found in an area of the breast surface.
Women's breasts can develop some degree of lumpiness, but only a small percentage of lumps are malignant.
While a history of breast cancer in the family may lead to increased risk, most breast cancers are diagnosed in women with no family history. If you have a family history of breast cancer, this should be discussed with your doctor.

Every two minutes a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer.
This year more than 211,000 new cases of breast cancer are expected in the United States.
One woman in eight who lives to age 85 will develop breast cancer during her lifetime.
Breast cancer is the leading cause of death in women between the ages of 40 and 55.
1,600 men are expected to be diagnosed with breast cancer this year and 400 are predicted to die.
Seventy percent of all breast cancers are found through breast self-exams. Not all lumps are detectable by touch. We recommend regular mammograms and monthly breast self-exams.
Eight out of ten breast lumps are not cancerous. If you find a lump, don't panic-call your doctor for an appointment.
Mammography is a low-dose X-ray examination that can detect breast cancer up to two years before it is large enough to be felt.
When breast cancer is found early, the five-year survival rate is 96%. This is good news! Over 2 million breast cancer survivors are alive in America today.

An Early Breast Cancer Detection Plan should include:
Clinical breast examinations every three years from ages 20-39, then every year thereafter.
Monthly breast self-examinations beginning at age 20. Look for any changes in your breasts.
Baseline mammogram by the age of 40.
Mammogram every one to two years for women 40-49, depending on previous findings.
Mammogram every year for women 50 and older.
A personal calendar to record your self-exams, mammograms, and doctor appointments.
A low-fat diet, regular exercise, and no smoking or drinking.
How to do a Breast Self-Examination
IN THE SHOWER Fingers flat, move gently over every part of each breast. Use your right hand to examine left breast, left hand for right breast.
Check for any lump, hard knot or thickening. Carefully observe any changes in your breasts.
..>
..>BEFORE A MIRROR Inspect your breasts with arms at your sides. Next, raise your arms high overhead.
Look for any changes in contour of each breast, a swelling, a dimpling of skin or changes in the nipple. Then rest palm on hips and press firmly to flex your chest muscles. Left and right breasts will not exactly match - few women's breasts do.

..>
..>LYING DOWN Place pillow under right shoulder, right arm behind your head. With fingers of left hand flat, press right breast gently in small circular motions, moving vertically or in a circular pattern covering the entire breast. Use light, medium and firm pressure. Squeeze nipple; check for discharge and lumps. Repeat these steps for your left breast.

Copyright © 1991-2007 National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc.®All rights reserved.
Privacy Policy

..>
MYTH: Finding a lump in your breast means you have breast cancer.TRUTH: Eight out of ten lumps are benign, or not cancerous. If you discover a persistent lump in your breast or any changes in breast tissue, it is very important that you see a physician immediately. Many times fear keeps women from aggressive health care. Sometimes women stay away from medical care because they fear what they might find. Take charge of your own health by monthly self-exams, regular visits to the doctor, and regularly scheduled mammograms.The diagram to the right illustrates some common non-cancerous breast anomalies. Although these may feel like lumps to the touch, they should not be cause for concern. However, only your doctor can diagnose these conditions and suggest treatment. The bottom line is, if you detect something out of the ordinary during your monthly breast self-exam, see your doctor immediately. Early detection always is the best form of prevention.

..>
MYTH: Men do not get breast cancer.TRUTH: This year 211,000 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 43,300 will die; however, 1,600 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 400 will die. While the percentage of men who are diagnosed with breast cancer is small, men should also give themselves monthly exams and note changes to their physicians...>

..>
MYTH: A mammogram can cause breast cancer to spread.TRUTH: An x-ray of the breast is called a mammogram. The x-ray and the pressure on the breast from the x-ray machine cannot cause cancer to spread. Do not let tales of other people's experiences keep you from having a mammogram. Base your decision on your physician's recommendation and ask the physician any questions you may have about the mammogram.
..; Breast Cancer Myths." src="http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/images/myths/exam.jpg" width=157 border=1>..>

..>
MYTH: Having a family history of breast cancer means you will get breast cancer. TRUTH: While women who have a family history of breast cancer are in a higher risk group, most women who have breast cancer have no family history. If you have a mother, daughter, sister, or grandmother who had breast cancer, you should have a mammogram five years before the age of their diagnosis...>

..>
MYTH: Breast cancer is a communicable disease. TRUTH: You cannot catch breast cancer or transfer it to someone else's body. Breast cancer is the result of uncontrolled cell growth in your own body.
..>

..>
MYTH: Knowing you have changes in the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene means you can prevent breast cancer.TRUTH: Five percent to ten percent of women who have breast cancer are thought to carry the mutant BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene. Alterations in these genes for men and women can predispose them to breast cancer. If you are a carrier of the genes, you should be monitored closely by your physician. Carriers of the genes have a lifetime risk of developing breast cancer.
..>
Copyright © 1991-2007 National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc.®All rights reserved.Privacy Policy

Another failed month :(

2007-05-10T15:44:00.000-07:00

I know it is coming , I can feel it.... THE WITCH. I have been having cramps off and on for two days so I just know I am not pregnant again this month. It is so disappointing month after month not being pregnant.... I know many people have it MUCH worse than me, and have been trying MUCH longer.. but they know, it is hard no matter how long.

I am also combining all my TTC months for number 2. I tried 4-5 months on my own, then took a break then tried another month and got pregnant with Leah, so let's call that 6 months. Then I go almost 6 months (24 weeks to be exact) being pregnant and lose my little girl. I have to wait a few months until I feel better, emotionally and physically, and then to get regular....technically I only waited 3 months, and now I am on 4 months of ttc again... add it all up because I still have yet to bring home a baby....19 months (including when I was pg) because now we are talking how many months I have BEEN WAITING for my baby! Thats a long time... if you dont want to count when I was pg - even though I was waiting for my baby, but not trying anymore....that is still about 13 months..... TOO LONG, I shouldnt even have to be trying right now, I should have my baby and my family would be complete. So to say I am disappointed is an understatement.

Top it off with getting AF, the witch, (which is bad enough), it is Mother's Day weekend, yes I am a mother, a mother to a living child and to an angel, but it should've been an even happier holiday this year because I would have my son AND my daughter. ALSO, this is the cycle last yr that I got pregnant with Leah. Add all these things up and put it on top of the loss and emotions, the hormones... it stinks :( Cramps don't help. They have been annoying and a tiny painful so far, last month wasn't too bad, but it was the month before or so that they KILLED! I had to lay down, put a heating pad on AND take advil, I usually do not have to do that.

Of course I am not out yet, but I am gettig myself ready. I don't want to get my hopes up and think- well maybe these are just implantation cramps and AF is not coming... that would be rare, yes it does happen. I looked back at my chart when I got pg with Conner and I had cramps, I had a temp dip AND I had spotting, so you never know. But I am preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. I really hope this blog is totally wrong and I end up being pregnant. That would be a happiness I haven't felt in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I feel happiness EVERY DAY with Conner, he is THE BEST. This is just a different happiness, a yearning to be pregnant and bring home a baby.

Conner is THREE!!!!!!!!

2007-05-05T05:11:00.000-07:00

Conner was born, May 3, 2004

Conner!!!!! I can't believe my baby is 3 years old!!! I love him soooo much, he is the best.
More b-day updates to follow
Here I am waking up the bday boy.... I even had balloons, but clearly he takes after his dad and is not a morning person!

I kept saying "Happy Birthday Conner!" and he said his birthday was SOON, not today, SOON. So I said, Happy Birthday SOON! We had been telling him all week that his birthday was soon, coming up soon.. so I think he wasn't ready for the big day.

When he walked into daycare all the kids shouted "Happy Birthday Conner!!" and he said "NO! My birthday SOON!" And he didn't want the decorations or balloon Judy got him, I think he was a little overwhelmed. They said later on they convinced him that today WAS his bday and he had fun and ate cake and they sang to him and everything.

After his party at Judy's (daycare) and Joe and I got home from work, we had cake, pizza and presents.

He was pointing at ME when we said "Happy birthday to YOU" He said it was momma's birthday too.
We couldn't take too many pictures because he wanted to play with his new toys. He got a bunch of Spiderman stuff- ball, toothbrush, book, candy, swimmies, floats. Then we got him badminton stuff, fake food to play with, Caillou doll, bases for when we play baseball, and a 3D book of jungle animals.

His PARTY is at Chuck E. Cheese's in a couple weeks if anyone wants to come :) It won't be a full CEC party and we couldn't invite all his friends because it would put us in the poorhouse! So it is cousins and grandparents and we are just buying pizza and bringing cake. We can't have it at our house because if you have read my blog you can SEE WHY!!
HAPPY 3rd Birthday my sweet CONNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!!!!!

Conner's 3 yr check-up statistics.
Weight: 32 lbs
Height: 36 1/2 inches (WOW he's gonna be a basketball player!)
Vision : Great (so far he doesn't take after his mom or dad)
Hearing: Great
He is an all around great kid. I told him he couldn't go outside and dig today until he took a nap, so he finally layed down, a few times within 5 minutes he got up and said " I sleep!" like he was done and I said-- nooo, and he fell asleep for two hours, how much better can he get!?

Update on the addition

2007-05-05T05:08:00.000-07:00

Our Addition to the House- Under Construction!

2007-04-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

Here is the front of the house... blurry because it's a picture of a picture!
Half Bath Laundry Room

Hall &Hall closet
Laundry room after Closet after

This is where we enter the house from the back.. and the blue part is a random shed that just has stairs to a basement that we don't use- it gets water....

side view- This is where the addition is going, off the back of the house...take away the deck and that blue thing that leads to a basement that has no purpose other than collecting water when it rains.. and this is where the new family room is going with a renovated and combined half bath and laundry room. Above the family room will be a master bath and master bedroom.

I don't have one of the bathroom torn apart but I think you get the picture... right now it is blocked off!
Well, thats what they've gotten done in 2 days(actually this was all one day, I didn't take any pictures today!!)... I thought I had pics of the bathroom and laundry empty but I couldn't find them at the moment.

I will keep everyone updated on the progess :)

Frustrating Day At Work

2007-04-26T16:11:00.001-07:00

I hate when I have days like today, it makes me want to switch my career! No matter what we do (teachers), someone is always unhappy and the TEACHER is always wrong! It is never the student, no. They wouldn't leave out the fact that they didn't do or lost 10 homework assignments in one subject, would they!? I think not handing in 10 assignments or handing in 10 assignments after they were due warrants an N (needs improvement) for Completes Homework Assignments on the report card, wouldn't you? And if you lose many of those assignments, take forever to find things, don't keep them in your binder where they belong, papers all over the floor- I think that justifies a U (unsatisfactory) for Organizational Skills!
It is just so frustrating when the parent believes their child over the teacher without getting the other side of the story, and then they TYPE up a huge letter about a bunch of different things, half of which the teacher has no idea what they are in reference to. I team teach this year so I have DOUBLE the parents, complaints and problems.
(**an aside here... THANK goodness I got 2 compliments yesterday because I would feel like an even crappier teacher if I hadn't... one was from a fellow teacher who lives in town, she wanted to let me know that she hears great things about me out on the baseball/soccer fields from other parents...she was trying to cheer me up because I had made comments to the effect that I can't make anyone happy and I am not making a difference. Then I saw a parent of a student who is now in 9th grade and he had me in 5th grade. She said he still talks about me all the time and he loved having me! That made me feel good :) You never hear the good things, only the negative.)
Then the students think it is perfectly fine that they LOST their homework or didn't even DO IT- because they forgot, or they had to go to the Red Sox game or had baseball practice... or they did it but now they can't find it! Well, thats great if you did it, but now if it is lost it is not going to count! Being organized is part of being a student.
Another thing that gets me is when they don't write their homework in their planner. The school buys nice planners for them (at no charge!) for them to keep track of their homework assignments. The teacher writes the homework on the chalkboard, tells the class what it is, writes the homework then on the Homework Board and has the class write it down in their planner...... for some strange reason, not every child actually writes it down.. or they will write it down but leave the planner and/or homework at school.. or get home and not even LOOK at the planner and do the homework, or lastly- they will do the homework but then leave it at home. OH WELL, you need to learn to be responsible, but some of them just don't seem to get it. And yes, I know they are only 11, but some things are not THAT hard to do, like writing down and doing your homework.
One of the biggest things that gets me is the excuse " I didn't know" or "I didn't hear you say that". Now, those of you who know me, know that I speak VERY LOUDLY by nature.. I am a loud person. I have been teaching for quite a few years now so I am learning to cover all my bases and I make sure that I say the assignments, the rules, the expectations, the due date, I make sure it is written down, they have copies, it is put on the internet, I tell them to write it in their planner.. and then they say "I didn't hear you say that" "I didn't know I had to do that" "I thought it was......"
Also- who do you know that goes to work for 8 hours a day and still has a bag load of work to do at home, either at night or on the weekend? It really isn't as easy as some people think. I am SOO drained at the end of the day and I still have TONS of work to do, it never ends, and many of us do have families. "Oh sure, but you get the summers off!" We do but many teachers still have to work because they need money! Or we have to take classes to keep our certification up to date- or if you are like me and want to move up on the pay scale you take classes to earn more graduate credits to tack on to my Master's Degree- and of course to learn :) But I think many of the parents would just rather blame the teacher, complain about the teacher...anything, because it couldn't be them that messed up. :(
Sheesh!!! I know I have more I could write but I have a crying child of my own that I need to go give some attention to! At least HE likes me!! I am sure I will revisit the topic :) It's just been one of those days!
April 26, 2006
I had another stressful day at work :( It wasn't as bad as yesterday, no parent complaints today... but it was the kids. I had, I think, 6 kids not do their math homework- or they couldn't find it and then I had about 8 kids not do their reading workbook page.... it was 5 questions long! So it was disappointing, I feel like I am not getting through to them and after two days in a row like this, it makes me want a new job :( This happens a few times a year- at least this year it has! I remember it happening back in January because I was saying "I can't handle this right now, not this month" because it was right around my original due date with Leah. Then the other time it was probably March after I had a special ed meeting. I know there really isn't any other job I would want to do besides teaching but it is just draining sometimes and I guess my tank already has a leak because of everything I have been through this year and the added stress is like the straw that broke the camels back.
I wrote a nice letter in response to the parents from yesterday that wrote a letter- which they didn't even sign with a Sincerely, From, Thank You or anything- just wrote their names. So I responded to them because they can't meet with us until next Tuesday and I didn't want to wait that long without saying something in my defense. I responded to everything they questioned in the letter, just stating the facts , that's all. And at the end I ended it friendly with saying I hope I answered their concerns and cleared up any misconceptions they had and that I enjoyed having their child in class, because the child is a nice kid and a good addition to the class, just doesn't always hand in homework and has organizational troubles. I showed it to a more veteran teacher for advice and we tweaked it a little bit and sent it home. So we shall see if I get a response tomorrow.
I just wish that parents wouldn't be so attacking and snappy- because they can say and do whatever they want and treat us however they want and we are just supposed to take it and not say anything back in our defense or anything... that's why I at least stated just the facts so they would be informed. And I know it's not all of them but they are the ones that hurt my feelings. I know I take things too personally and I need to get thick skin and yadda yadda, but that's not my personality, I take everything personally and I get upset about everything- and I wish I could change that! I think I need a veteran teacher right next door and more easily accessible for the advice, there should be a class on how to handle stuff like this!
OHHHH,. thank goodness tomorrow is Friday!!!!!!!!

Tearful

2007-04-17T12:30:00.000-07:00

I have been so teary lately. April has been a particularly hard month. Many pregnancies, due dates and anniversaries. I can't believe it has been 6 months since I lost Leah. At times time goes by so fast but at the same time so slow.

I have been doing some crying lately but I still think it is not enough, I feel like I have more crying to do, its just this feeling I get when I am crying and I make myself stop because either other people are around, I have Conner or for some reason I feel like Joe is thinking- geez, why is she crying again!?

There are just so many things that are making me cry, it is almost like I lost Leah all over again, that is almost what the pain is like. Maybe because it has been 6 months, maybe because my SIL is having her baby girl any day now, maybe because Leah should be almost 3 months old and she should've been dressed in her frilly easter dress wearing bunny ears, maybe because Conner talks about babies a lot now, and maybe because I am on my 3rd round of clomid and I am trying to be hopeful but not get my hopes up. Maybe I am still feeling alone and feeling that ok, yes, I am sure people think about me- but it doesn't help if they don't express it to me- in any way, shape or form and in a way that also makes me angry. Just like I am still angry that I don't have my baby right now, it is just not fair. I still can't believe this actually happened. The thought of having a newborn in the house, buying cute little clothes and pacifiers, the bottles, tiny diapers, tiny clothes, being spit up on, they all seem so distant to me.. and they should-- Conner is going to be three in a couple weeks. And to know that the next baby- or babies- that will be held will not be mine.

I feel alone in my sadness and would rather shut myself in my room then call someone up and tell them I am having a crappy ...day, week, MONTH... Especially if people don't even ask because they don't want to hear that I am not doing ok right now. And people should understand that it is going to be hard for me seeing 2 friends give birth in April and 3 in May, 1 in July and 1 in September. And who knows what new pregnancies will pop up It doesn't help that everyone in my FF buddy groups is getting pg and staying in the groups that I belong to, I just don't want to post, I do make myself read the posts but I don't post and people have forgotten about me (in my newer groups). In my old group it is just hard right to post because one girl has a baby who would be pretty much the same age as Leah and it just makes it very hard, and I know that has nothing to do with her and there is nothing she can do about it, it is my problem to deal with. It also doesn't help when I see posts like "BFP on first round of clomid!" good for you, for once I wish that could've been me. And even on 25mg! Sheesh! I have to deal with the clomid and dh's low count, so even with my perfect timing because I have been charting for 4 yrs and I am now using a monitor and I know when to do it- my chances are still small and I am getting impatient. Maybe its because I was optimistic when we first started and now that I am on to round 3 my hopes are worn down a bit because when we TTC#2 originally we had at least 4 failed rounds of clomid... it took 4 with Conner... hopefully it will only be 3 rounds this time! Please, something should go right for me, you think?

Ok, I have dumped enough sadness, depression and negative thoughts, but who else am I going to write this too...there are probably only 2 people who read this at the most... I don't want to give everyone I know the address because I don't want them to think every time I post something about Leah, ttc or whatnot that I am obsessed or crazy... but just right now I am going through a really hard time.

American Cancer Society Relay for Life

2007-04-09T16:53:00.000-07:00

Why do I Relay?
My main reason to relay is for my husband, Joe. He is a cancer SURVIVOR! I know that Joe is here with me today because of all the research that has been done through the American Cancer Society. Nobody knows how much I truly appreciate every single doctor, nurse or worker at Heywood Hospital where Joe was treated, every doctor/scientist who has ever researched cancer and found treatments, every survivor who went through the first trial treatments that then became regular treatments and every cancer patient who lost their battle because they made a difference in all research that has been done.
"Relay For Life is much more than a walk around a track, though. It is a time to remember those lost to cancer and celebrate those who have survived. It is a night for people who have shared the same experience to comfort and console one another. It's also a time when we can all come together to help support the life-saving mission of the American Cancer Society and work together towards a cancer-free future.
Most importantly, Relay gives YOU the power to help in the fight against cancer. By joining together as volunteers and donors, our efforts help the American Cancer Society strive toward a future where cancer doesn't take the lives of our friends and family. Register today to become a part of the Relay phenomenon. Together we will fuel the work – and the hope – that can help make a cancer-free future a reality."
The Remission Mission is our relay team. Please join us! Whether you come for 1-2 hours, a few hours or the whole relay, we really would like all our friends and family to be there to experience how great and important this event is! Just think, you only have to walk for one hour, a cancer patient has to live with cancer their whole life.
Go to this address to join our team, The Remission Mission.
https://www.kintera.org/faf/search/searchTeamPart.asp?ievent=206264&lis=0&kntae206264=21B3B8F0BBA54CCAA201F7B7928D9F75&supId=0&team=1735084
Orhttp://www.relayforlife.org/relayAnd click on society links and click on Find Relay Events and on Find Relays Near me, type Gardner, Ma and it will bring you to some choices- choose Relay for Life of the Greater Gardner Area. From there you can navigate yourself to find The Remission Mission team, click on MORE under team rank…hopefully we will be in the top 5 soon!
Or, if you would like to make a donation, go to my relay page.
https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=206264&lis=0&kntae206264=FAC1349709FE4E5AB245119037A972C6
No one should have to face their journey alone, and with the help of the American Cancer Society Relay For Life, no one has to. I hope you will join me at the Relay on June 8th and 9th at Mount Wachusett Community College.
Thank You,
Dianne Rollo

Conversations With Conner

2007-04-09T16:52:00.000-07:00

So, at the young old age of 3 (well, almost, 3 in May), Conner is very wise and always wanting more information.
Here are some conversations we have regularly:
Conner: Where's daddy?
Me: He's at work
Conner: Why he at work?
Me: Because he has to work until 5:00
Conner: Why?
Me: Because thats what time he has to work until
Conner: Why?
Me: Because he has a lot of work to do and then he can go home at 5:00
Conner: Why?
Me: When he is done he will come home.
Conner: Okay Mamma.
another one---
Me: Why is that guy driving up my butt?
Conner: Why he drive up your butt?
Me: He wants me to go faster even though I am going the speed limit
Conner: Why you drive faster?
Me: I can't drive faster, I have to drive the speed limit
Conner: Why?
Me: Because the policeman says so
Conner: Why he say so?
Me: Because he doesn't want us to get in an accident.
Conner: Why?
Me: Because he doesn't want us to get hurt.
Conner: Why? Why he don't want us to get hurt?
Me: He wants us to be safe.
Conner: Okay.
Sometimes they go on and on forever so I try to come up with answers that will satisfy him! He is a very curious boy. I will try to remember more conversations with Conner because they happen a million times a day :) He is too cute.

Some Questions and Venting

2007-04-09T16:51:00.000-07:00

So, here are the things that are constantly running through my head. They are about life, family, friends, work , trying to have another baby and of course Leah............

***Add in April 4, 2007***

Today is 6 months since I found out I lost Leah :( And tomorrow is 6 months from the day she was born :( I CANT BELIEVE it has been SIX months!

What people don't know is that some of the hardest things for a woman who lost her child are:
finding out someone else is pregnant- seeing someone who is pregnant and hearing about how they are going into labor, or someone just had a baby- seeing a newborn- especially if it is the age your baby should've been- AND if it is the same sex as your baby, and getting invited to a baby shower- (that can now be added to my list, and what a day to get the invitation)
It is hard to think someone is celebrating their baby coming into the world, or think about how people will be going into the hospital to celebrate a new birth and hold a healthy, living newborn when I did not get to do that, that was robbed from me.
I am moving on, not forgetting, but moving on, but those things do not make it easy and sometimes I wish people would think and understand. :(

-Why did this have to happen? Was God punishing me? Did "someone" think we were not ready to have another baby so they had to take her away? If that is the case then why let me get pregnant in the first place?

-Are things looking good for being pregnant this month because things seemed to be falling in place- the addition, our timing, clomid working?

-Am I really going to have twins? The psychic says I am, I am on clomid, and what if thats all part of the plan... I lose my baby girl, now we get the big addition so we will have room for twins... is there really a "plan"?

-Why do I still cry every time I think about the day that people found I lost Leah? When I think about the school having to tell all 42 of my students that my baby had died...when I called my sister on her birthday to tell her and ask if she could come home and watch Conner, calling Jen and telling her so she could tell all the girls.... I cry EVERY time

-How come my friends don't ask me how I am doing? I am sure they are uncomfortable, don't know what to say.. but "think about me all the time" but that is not the same, it is very lonely when people just avoid the topic and you..

-What if I don't get the chance to have another little girl? What if I don't get the chance to have another healthy, living baby? I hope neither is the case.

-Why don't kids listen and do their homework and put their papers where they belong?

-How long am I going to have to wait until I am pregnant again? And why does it go by so slowly? Can't this just be the month!?

-Why are there SO MANY pregnant people around me, friends and in the general public.... does someone up there like watching me have a hard time- having to face a big pregnant belly, another "announcement" of a pregnancy- whether it be a first, second, or third? Planned or accident? Sheesh

-I am dealing fairly well. I was actually worse after Conner was born and Joe was going through chemo. I don't want people to think that because I post things like this that I am not doing well, because I am. This is just where I can vent, and get out all my feelings of confusion, frustration, anger, sadness and happiness. I know I can't go back in time- although if anything could've been done to save Leah I would definately take that option of going back in time, but I can't, I know I didn't do anything wrong, the doctors didn't do anything wrong, there is nothing that could've been done differently, it is just the plain sucky roll of the dice, bad luck, short end of the deal.. all that... I am surprisingly doing Okay. Of course I still cry every day, most times only just a few tears, sometimes a couple sobs. It has been a while since I had a really bad day, that was around my due date. It was hard. I do get a little angry because people have (or so it seems to me)forgotten, forgotten about me, forgotten about Leah, almost like it has never happened. People have gone on with their daily lives, which they should, but I think they have forgotten what I have been through.

If people could just stop and think..... think about how they would feel if they were me- Really and try and live through what I went through, for even just a minute...

- You are sitting in the doctors office waiting for him to come in and use the doppler to find the heartbeat, panicing because he can't, he starts taking your pulse, still can't find the heartbeat- that is yours he is hearing... going into the ultrasound room--- I am sorry Dianne......(Thank you Melissa for being there with me)Deciding how to deliver-- wait until I go into labor on my own, try this medicine or that one.... drive home and figure out how to tell your husband that the baby has died and we have to go in that night to deliver... sitting around the house knowing that the baby you are carrying is no longer alive, making all the phone calls to tell everyone what has happened...walk in the hospital, past all the women who just had their healthy babies, or the ones in the process, knowing that that will not be you. Seeing your baby as you have delivered her, cord wrapped around her neck, they give her to you to hold and her cute little mouth is open, as if she took a breath-or cried- you don't know which, realizing she has your sons cute, perfect mouth....realizing- this is really happening....my baby is gone.....

You are probably thinking- I don't want to think about that! Exactly! So think- hmm, I wonder how Dianne is doing... or maybe I will just send her a quick email to let her know I was thinking of her today, or just something to say hi- what have you been up to? Not after two + months have passed.Don't change on my part. These are the things that run through my head daily- whether it be for just a minute or a few minutes, once , twice or more a day... thoughts are quick- they can pop in and pop out of your head in an instant.... the nightmare can come back when you least expect it. I can be listening to one of my favorite songs- Hollaback Girl- and a thought of what has happened could pop into my head, I will tear up and then try to think of something else.

Ok, well, I will get off my soapbox now... I have some, ah, ...business.... I need to take care of!

Leah's Story

2007-04-09T16:16:00.000-07:00

This is how it all happened. Where to start? Conner and I had a very busy weekend planned. I was taking him to his very first Natick High football game with all the girls. He had a great time and of course, they won. Then we slept over my parents house and hung out at the yard sale on Saturday. We went to a bunch of yard sales and got some great stuff. As I watched tv I think I remember feeling Leah kick once or twice. The next day we went to Grampy Gal’s 90 birthday party at the Chinese food restaurant. All of the Melchiorri’s were there and I got to show off my pregnant belly to everyone and tell them all I was having a girl. They thought it was perfect, one boy and one girl- great! After we got home I mentioned to Joe that I hadn’t felt the baby kick. We didn’t think too much of it because I had been busy and tired, falling asleep early so maybe she kicked then. It was on my mind for the next couple days. Joe looked it up on the internet and it said you may not feel the baby kick one day and then you will the next. So I waited to see if she would kick. I drank sugary Kool-Aid to see if that would make her kick. I remember mentioning it to my co-worker Melissa and saying that I hope nothing was wrong and wondered if I should call the doctor. I didn’t want to seem paranoid but then I didn’t want to let it go. I think deep down I knew something was wrong.

It’s now Wednesday morning. I fell asleep early the night before so I had to get up and take a shower before I went in to school early for extended Wednesday. I put on a pretty maternity dress and sandals because it was going to be nice out. I was running late but stopped at Dunkin donuts anyways. I remember feeling pretty and pregnant and telling another teacher that I couldn’t wait until January, I was counting the weeks and taking into consideration vacations from school, I only had about 14 weeks left to work, I was excited.
After our meeting I wasn’t feeling well, felt pukey and just something came over me and I didn’t feel well. Even another teacher said I didn’t look well. While I was teaching math I felt very lightheaded, arms weak and I just didn’t feel right so I sat at my desk and had the kids come up to me if they needed help. I sent them to special and decided I should call the doctor.
I finally talk to someone and I am crying telling them that I haven’t felt the baby kick in a couple days, and the nurse said “And you’re just calling now?!” That made me feel HORRIBLE. They called me back and said that Dr. Wilson was only there until 12 and that I should come right in. I go back to tell Melissa and try to organize things for whoever was going to come in my room. Melissa asked if I was coming back and I said yes, she told me I should just take the rest of the day. So I figured, okay, I will and I grabbed a couple math books to look at while I was home…thinking everything was going to be fine. I go to the office and I tell them I have to leave and of course I am crying. They make Melissa come with me, thank goodness someone was there. I rush to get there before 12.

They made me wait a couple minutes in the office and I’m thinking- geez, he said he was leaving at 12, it’s 12, get me in there. I finally get in and then I had to sit and wait for what seemed like forever for him to come in. But I was thinking to myself, you’re overreacting, everything is going to be fine, he’ll come in and put the Doppler on my belly and we’ll hear the heart beating away. He comes in and asks what’s going on and I start to cry telling him I haven’t felt the baby move. I lay back and he asks where do we usually hear the heartbeat- high or low, I don’t know! We could only hear my heartbeat. He keeps looking around and around, I am crying. He is taking my pulse to see if it’s my heartbeat or the babies and he keeps looking as I lay there crying. He tells me that we’re going to go get an u/s done. I cry all the way to the room. I lay down and they put the goop on me, there’s my baby girl, no heartbeat…. I am crying and they are silent, then they are talking to each other asking some question about what they see. They see nothing wrong except the heart is not beating. I am still crying and Dr. Wilson gives me a hug and we go back to his office. The u/s technician went to get Melissa in the waiting room. We go back to Dr. Wilson’s office and I am bombarded with all these things- induce labor, which medicine, when to go, after we’ll do genetic testing and an autopsy to figure out what happened, etc. He says that I can wait to go into labor myself, go in tomorrow or go in tonight, Wednesday, October 4 at 7pm. He gives me his phone number in case I decide not to go in tonight. He tells me to go home and discuss everything with Joe and he gives me another hug.
I am in shock. I cannot believe this. I thought I’d hear the heartbeat right away and then Melissa and I could go to lunch or Barnes & Noble and look at books for school. No, now I am driving her back to school to get her car and thinking all these horrible thoughts about how my baby is not alive anymore. I try to call Joe from the parking lot but he is on his lunch break, I call him at home in case he went there for lunch, no answer. So I can’t get in touch with him, my parents are on a plane to Las Vegas and I don’t have my sisters new work number in my phone. All the way home I wait until I can call Joe and wonder what I am going to say to him. I finally get in touch with him and I tell him I went to the doctor and the baby is gone, we lost the baby. I told him that I can go in tonight to be induced to have her. I am at a loss. I get home and go to the bathroom and I am already spotting a little bit. Joe gets home right after me and then Melissa pulls in to make sure I was not alone and that Joe was there. Joe and I hug and I explain what Dr. Wilson had told me and we decide that we should go in tonight. 7 o’clock was far enough away now, it was only around 1:45. We don’t know what to do. All I can remember is picking up Conner’s toys and the living room a bit. I called my sister to tell her the bad news , it is also her birthday. She starts crying on the phone. She arranges everything so that she can leave work, pick up Avery and then come sleep over to watch Conner. I went on to Fertility Friend and made a few posts about my situation asking for help and advice on what to expect. This was a huge help. The ladies told me what to expect, what I should do- what they wish they had done, everything. Since it was Wednesday and I had my meeting, Joe got Conner ready. I had put out a couple of outfits for him to pick and I wanted to know what he wore so I asked Joe. Conner was wearing his “I’m the Big Brother” t-shirt. I tear up. Joe and I hang around before we decide to pick Conner up at daycare. When we get there he is having so much fun running around jumping onto the couch and tackling the other boys. Then they go outside to ride bikes, all along I am trying to figure out how to tell Judy what has happened. When we finally get Conner ready to leave I tell her that I am not sure if Conner will be there tomorrow because my sister will be watching him because I have to go have the baby tonight. I told her I lost the baby. She gives me the biggest, tightest hug and says “oh no!” and “I’m so sorry” and she keeps hugging me.

We get Conner home and Joe plays with him outside for a bit, I think I may have too but I don’t really remember. I remember packing my bag and wondering what to pack, how long was I going to be there? Where are my tight sports bras? My milk was still going to come in and I was going to need them. Annemarie didn’t get to our house until right before 6:30 so Joe and I shove the Wendy’s down our throats and get Conner situated. Of course he was crying when we left so that didn’t make things any easier. He waved goodbye to us out the living room window and I just cry. We get a little bit into Westminster and my cell phone rings, it’s Am. She wanted to tell me that Conner already stopped crying and was playing cars, drinking his milk and watching Caillou with Avery. That made me feel a little better.

I told Joe I didn’t want to do this, I was scared. Then I remember thinking- geez, he is driving so slow, now I just want to get there. Dr. Wilson said 7 o’clock and I didn’t want to be late, I didn’t want him to have to wait. We get to patient registration and only had to wait 2 minutes. It’s Lynn’s friend Tara that is checking us in. I sit down at the window and she says to me “you’re not due yet!” and all I say is “I know.” I get all my paperwork and she tells us how to get upstairs.

We get to the labor and delivery floor and a bright and cheery nurse buzzes me and Joe in. They tell me to walk down to the second desk. Those are the people who know what’s going on with me because as soon as I get there I am crying and they stop smiling. I give my paperwork to Dr. Wilson and my nurse, Anne, comes and gives me a hug and tells me she is so sorry for my loss, I say thank you. They bring me and Joe into my room and we sit down. Dr. Wilson explains things to me and Joe about what’s going to happen, labor and after the baby is born all the different tests we can do and the options of what to do with the baby after she is born. It is a lot to take in. The nurse has me get into my gown and into bed. Dr. Wilson examines me and then gives me my first dose of medicine (mesiprostal) to induce my labor. He tells us that he will check back around 11pm. They will check me and give me meds every 4-6 hours. The nurse starts an IV drip on me to keep me hydrated and then if they need to give me any drugs for pain I already will have an IV. She explains to me that the lab will be coming in to do blood work also.
Anne is great. She is on a team of nurses that deals with infant loss, she heads the team actually . She has been doing it for about 11 years. She knows exactly what to say and how to make me feel a bit better. She tells me that “it bites” and she is exactly right. Anne showed us this special magnet they have hanging on the outside of our door. It has 2 big hearts that stand for the parents and then a small heart in the middle for the baby. This is their way of letting the people at the hospital know that we lost our baby so that when they come in the room they don’t make a hurtful comment or anything.

We were given a folder that had information about support groups, a letter from a mother who had been through this before and a special little baby book that we could use. Instead of sitting and chatting about what the baby will look like, who is going to come visit and talking about formula and bottles, we are filling out death certificate papers and talking about autopsies and funerals! This is unfair, my baby was perfectly healthy, we had the special u/s to make sure and now this. We have no idea what has happened to our baby girl and we won’t know until I deliver her; we don’t know how long that will take either. As Anne was talking to me about everything I can remember thinking, “what time is it? Is Lost on? Does she have to tell me all this now, I just want to watch Lost.” How horrible, I just did not want to go through with this. I wanted to keep my baby. I remember thinking-- oooh, did she just kick me? I kept feeling what I thought could be kicks and then this would all be fine, of course they weren’t kicks.
I don’t remember how long it was before I started having contractions. They weren’t too bad, I just felt a little bit crampy. We had the tv on, which came in terrible, and I lay in bed and Joe is on the recliner. Time went by so slowly and we just sat there thinking about what is going to happen. Dr. Wilson came back around 11:30-12 o’clock to check me again and give me more meds. He told me he would be back in the morning. I can’t remember when they gave me stadol for the pain but I remember that it did make me relax a little bit, it also made the room spin, but it allowed me to relax and doze off a bit. Joe slept in the recliner and they gave him blankets and a pillow. I remember coming in and out of sleep throughout the night. Jennine, my night shift nurse came in to check my vitals a couple of times. When I woke up early that morning I remember the dream I had. I had a dream that I had my baby girl but she was still alive! She was a little small but alive. I had been thinking about how big or small she was going to be, I didn’t know what to expect even though they tried to help us out. I can’t sleep anymore and it is early in the morning, Cops is on tv. I keep waiting for the time to pass by and Dr. Wilson to get here and tell me how much longer. He comes in and checks me and I am about 1cm. 1cm! That’s it!!? I can’t believe that’s all I was. He gives me more meds and will check back around 11:15. I am tired and bored but I can’t sleep. Joe is asleep on the chair, I wish I could sleep. I am getting anxious, I still do not know what to expect. I only have to dilate to 5cm because the baby is so small. That is so sad. The nurse brings me in some magazines, some are from 2004! I flip through some but I don’t really have the patience to read them. I decide I am going to go for a walk. I put some underwear and shorts on and roll my IV stand down the hall. Before I leave I ask if I can go out for a walk and they said yes and if I fall off the radar they will come get me. I don’t know how they would know how far I went because there was nothing attached to me except my IV. Anyways. Even though I know it will be hard, I go look to see the babies that are in the nursery. I won’t be able to hold a baby like that, my baby will not be in the nursery. I’m looking in the window and I see a baby girl. She is laying in her little bassinet with a pink blanket and cute pink stuffed animals. That would’ve been my baby. There is also a boy and another baby or two, not many. A worker comes up to the window and asks if I just had a baby and I start crying and say no. She walks away. I go over to the couches and sit down. Those chairs are more comfortable than my bed. I see that they have magazines out here in the lobby so I get a recent Parent’s magazine and try to read it. I am too distracted so I just watch the people come and go. After a little while I decide I should go back to my room. They let me in and I have to pass a girl in her wheelchair with her husband pushing her down the hall. I hear a few babies crying, I start to cry a little bit. I get back to my room and Joe is still asleep. I get back into bed and just wait. I keep waiting, waiting to dilate, waiting for more meds, more contractions, waiting to have my baby.

Joe wakes up and he goes to get some lunch and a soda. He goes to Barnes&Nobles to get some books for us both to read, some baseball and retirement or money type book and then a Chicken Soup for the Soul book that ends up being about alcohol recovery, not the kind of soul healing he thought. He also got me a magazine to read. By now I am feeling sleepy, I don’t know if it was meds or just me being worn out but I dozed off for a little bit. At one point I made Joe lay in bed with me because I felt alone. I felt bad laying in bed because my back was to him in his chair, I didn’t want him to feel alone either so he came and lay down with me. My day nurse, Kathy, came in and asked him if he wanted any lunch but he didn’t feel like eating, plus he had just had some snacks. I was not allowed to eat but Kathy snuck me some graham crackers to go along with my apple juice. I could only eat one.

At my next check in with Dr. Wilson I was still only about 1 cm but my cervix was thinning out and becoming shorter so he was glad I was making progress. The contractions were getting a little stronger and I was feeling them in my back and in my stomach. This was not comfortable but I figured I would not go through getting an epidural because I only had to go to 5 cm and who knew how long that would take or how much it would hurt, I didn’t know so I decided not to get one. They could give me other things to help with the pain a little bit. It was around 11:30-12 o’clock and I decided to text message Melissa to tell her I hadn’t had the baby yet, I knew she would be wondering. I text messaged Am and gave her my room phone number. She called and updated me on Conner. He was being so good she said, holding her hand in the parking lot, letting her change and dress him without a problem, eating, he was being perfect she said. Am had to take care of a few things because she is selling her house. Then she was going to go pick up a few things for baby Leah, Joe and I decided we would name her Leah. Am was going to try and find some small clothes, get a little stuffed animal and a blanket, little things to give her for us since we didn’t get the chance to do that. The only thing I had bought for her she would wear this winter after she was born. I bought her a hand knitted pink shall with matching mittens and hat. That was the first thing I bought her when I knew she was a girl. She would’ve looked so cute! So Am was going to take care of those things and bring Conner and Avery back to her house for naps. She would come to the hospital later with Conner. I also text messaged my mom to find out if/when she was coming home. I gave her my phone number and she called me. We talked and she said she would be home Friday or Saturday. There was no way they would make it home in time to see Leah anyways.

Now my contractions are starting to get more intense. I still decide against an epidural. I am making more and more progress and I am wondering when this will happen. Dr. Wilson says sometime tonight. He is leaving from 5-6 for his bag pipe lessons but he gives Joe his cell phone number in case they need to get in touch with him to come back. This time waiting seemed like forever and the contractions were closer together and hurting in my back and stomach. They give me some morphine but only a small dose because I don’t want to get sick or be too out of it. It doesn’t help much, I didn’t relax and I could still feel pain. I had to wait a certain amount of time before Kathy could give me more. As soon as she could, she gave it to me.

Now we have been warned again at how small the baby is going to be. How she might slip out easily since she is so small and since it is my second baby. But she said not to worry, and call if I feel the need to push. I keep looking at the clock wanting Dr. Wilson to be back because I feel like it’s time. I call Kathy to come in and I am in such pain she checks me but I am only at around 3-4 cm. I can’t believe it, I feel like I am ready. My contractions are getting worse and I am holding on to the bed railing tight and at times hitting it because I can’t stand the pain. Now I have gone from not wanting to do this to feeling like I need to get this over with because I can‘t stand the pain anymore. No more waiting, we want to know what’s wrong with the baby, and what’s going to happen.

The nurses are in my room I can’t remember why, but I have to go to the bathroom so Anne helps me (she is early for her shift). I go to the bathroom and then I tell her I feel like I have to push, she says Ok. Then I say not now, I don’t want to have her on the toilet, she said she knows, its okay. It stings, I can feel it is time. I get back on to the bed and I tell them I have to push. They tell me to push and I do, and in one push, at 6:18 pm, Thursday October 5, baby Leah is born and then a few seconds later the placenta comes out. They are checking her and they say something and call her a him and I say “it’s a girl right?” I remember seeing them move part of the cord and they check and yes, it is a girl. I am crying, Joe is crying. The nurses and Dr. Wilson are telling me to look at the baby. They are amazed at how many times the umbilical cord is wrapped around her neck. It is wrapped tightly around her tiny little neck four times! My poor baby! They quickly wipe her and wrap her in a blanket and hand her over to me. I can’t believe how small she is. I am kind of scared to look. Her eyes are open, I can’t tell what color they are and I do not see the whites of her eyes. Her tiny little mouth is open and I see her cute tongue. She has the tiniest hands with long fingers and cute tiny little feet. Even though her nose and lips are small I can tell they are just like Conner’s. I want to hug her and squeeze her so hard because I love her so much but she is too tiny and fragile, I am afraid. So I just hold her gently in my arms and give her a tiny kiss on her head.

In a way we are relieved that the reason her heart stopped beating was because the cord was around her neck, but it is still devastating. We decide that we will not have to do the autopsy because she looks perfectly fine and it was because of the cord. They will still do the blood tests on me and send the placenta to pathology to have that tested and make sure everything is ok.
The nurses ask me if I am hungry and I say yes- I haven’t eaten in 24 hours! They ask what I want and I said last time I got some kind of salad with chicken, she is not sure if they will have that so I said anything would be fine. Dr. Wilson decided he would go buy me a chicken salad at the local family pizza. He asked Joe if he wanted anything but he didn’t, he also offered him his roast beef sub that he had gotten on his way back here but Joe didn’t feel like eating.

I don’t remember how much time has gone by now but Leah is wrapped in her blanket wearing her pink knitted hat and she is placed on the baby bed that is in the room. I ask Joe to go over and take some pictures of her. This is hard. The nurses tell us that Annemarie and Conner are here so we bring the baby out of the room so Conner doesn’t see her. We decided it would be best if we didn’t show him the baby or say anything because he is too young and doesn’t understand. He didn’t usually remember that I was having a baby unless we asked him. I visit with Conner. He is so excited to see me, he looks so grown up and cute! Joe takes Conner for a walk so Am can see Leah. She holds her and cries. She shows me all the cute things she has gotten for her. The outfits are too big but everything else is perfect. There is a little white bunny from Conner that says sweetheart and it rattles, and Am picked out a cute tiny pink bear holding a blanket that says God Bless Baby, she also got a guardian angel pin with the October birth stone and a baby set of Rosary beads.

Patty and Liz are here so they see Conner for a minute or two and Joe takes him for a walk. The nurses bring Leah back in so they can see her. They place her on the end of my bed and unwrap her from her blanket. She is wearing what they call their “angel outfit”. The hospital has volunteers , mostly other mothers that have been through this, knit small outfits for the babies to wear. Leah is wearing a mostly white knitted dress with small bits of pastel colors in it, pink booties on her feet and a pink knitted hat. We look at her on the bed and we all cry. Patty says she is beautiful and we all comment on how she has Conner’s nose and lips. They each get to hold her. While they are here Melissa from school comes in. She is a wreck. She comes in and gives me a big hug, she asks if she can look at the baby, she does and she cries. Then she tries to cheer me up by telling me about school but when she tells me that Evelyn and Marcia told our classes I start to cry. She called a staff meeting on Wednesday afternoon to tell all the teachers and they were just going to tell my class that I was sick but when Melissa found this out she decided she needed to go in to school Thursday because the kids needed to know. Evelyn didn’t know they all knew I was pregnant - hello- you couldn’t hide it! Melissa told her how I made up a worksheet with a puzzle on it for them to figure out I was having a baby in January. So they decide to tell them the truth, at this point though they do not know what happened, just that my baby had died.

We have the nurse take Leah back, they are carrying her in a cute basket with special bedding that has bears on it that another mother made. Everyone has left except Am and Conner. We visit for a few more minutes and Conner keeps saying “mama doctors”. The nurse comes in to take my blood pressure and temperature, she gives Conner a doctor’s hat, mask and thermometer cover so he can play. He is excited, he also got a Popsicle! They all thought he was the cutest. He was being so well behaved too, it was great to see him. He got a pillow from Joe’s chair and climbed up into bed with me. I had the stuffed animals with me and he moved them so he could lay down with me. That made me happy for a moment. We decide that it’s okay for Joe to go home with Conner, I will be ok in the hospital, I will go to sleep and see him semi-early in the morning. I had the choice of going home that night or staying. But it was already late and I felt more comfortable staying, especially since I was bleeding and all that, I did just give birth! And now that I think of it I am glad I stayed because we had a bunch of things to do the next day at the hospital. So I said good bye to Am, Joe and Conner and Joe told me he would be back around 8:30-9:00 and he took my phone number down just in case.

A little while after they left Anne came in to talk with me a little bit. We talked about where Leah would sleep. I told her I was a little afraid of having her sleep in my room but I didn’t want her to be all alone, I was crying and confused. She said all this was normal. I asked her if she weighed Leah and measured her yet, she hadn’t and said she was going to do all of that right now. She brought all her equipment in the room with Leah. Leah weighed 1 pound and 6 ounces and was about 13 inches long. Then Anne explained to me about taking Leah’s angel pictures. She took many pictures. They send them to a company to process them and they do some in black and white. They will be ready in about 4 weeks and I come to the hospital to pick them up. (I really wish they were ready now.) I was tired and feeling a bit woozy from the drugs and I fell asleep while Anne was taking the pictures.

I woke up again in the middle of the night just as Jennine was coming in to take my vitals, she again told me she was sorry for my loss. I was up for good around 6am. I was anxious for Joe to get there. Dr. Wilson stopped in again to check on how I was doing. We chatted again on the decision to just test the placenta and do blood work, no autopsy is needed because we know it was the cord that caused Leah’s death. I asked him how long I would have to wait before we could try again, thinking it would be a year because I’ve always heard that you should wait a year. He said I didn’t need to wait that long, he said wait a few cycles (for some reason I keep thinking he said 4). Since I am young and healthy he said I don’t have to wait a whole year. And he also said that “next time , because there will be a next time, we will do lots of ultrasounds” and stuff like that, check the cord blood flow and everything, not that we could’ve done anything this time, but doing all those things next time may give us a little peace of mind, help calm our fears a little bit. I will see him in his office in about 4 weeks.

Once Joe got back Kathy asked us if we wanted to see Sister Cathy and have Leah blessed, we did. So Sister Cathy came in and our nurse Kathy stayed too. I held Leah while she blessed her with Holy Water, just like she was being Baptized. She also blessed us and we prayed. Joe and I said a little blessing to Leah also. Joe said most of it, I did not know what to say. He told her how excited we were to have her and for her to know how much we loved her and that we will always remember her. This was very difficult. We received a certificate of blessing for Leah. We stayed with Leah for a little while. This was very hard. We each held her again and took a couple pictures. It was hard to see her because she was so wrapped up in her little blanket, mostly just her tiny head was showing. It was getting too hard to handle, she started to bleed a tiny bit near her little nose, I wiped it with one of my tissues. This was just too sad so we buzzed Kathy to come and get Leah.

The social worker came in to talk to us but to tell you the truth she didn’t really help much, the nurses were more help. She did give us her card and she contacted the priest in Ashburnham for us. Kathy contacted the funeral home to let them know our situation and that we would be calling soon. After she left we took care of some paperwork and Kathy went over my discharge instructions. Joe went to get the car and I asked Kathy to see Leah one more time before I left. I am so glad I did because this would be the last time I would see my baby girl. She looked so cute and peaceful laying in her basket. She looked even more beautiful than the last time, she was positioned so cute and I touched her cute little hand but I was sad to see that there were some blood stains on her dress. This made me cry. I kissed my hand and touched her one last time. Kathy took Leah away and walked me down to meet Joe. She said this is going to be hard, as we walked down the labor and delivery hallway. I was crying. We took the elevator down and instead of carrying my baby out I was carrying a small gift bag the nurses had given me that was filled with Leah’s things- a blanket she layed on, her blessing certificate, her “It’s a girl!” birth card, the measuring tape they used to measure her, the book with her footprints, and a small purplish-blue bear the nurses gave me. This is not the way it is supposed to be.

Now we are home empty handed and we are at a loss. What do we do now? It is a long weekend so we can’t meet with the cemetery director until Tuesday. Once we meet with him he will talk to the funeral home and we will get everything scheduled for Leah’s burial. The weekend drags on. There are many deliveries of flowers, plants and a few people brought us some food but we don’t really feel like eating. Who can eat at a time like this? I am even having trouble sleeping through the night. I will fall asleep early but then wake up and have trouble getting back to sleep. I feel so alone even though Joe is right there with me, I don’t want him to even leave the room. When I see Conner he makes me smile, he is such a great little boy. I hug him and squeeze him tight and give him millions of kisses, thank goodness I have him. But there is an emptiness because I know I do not have my little girl Leah to hug and kiss.

My parents are back from Las Vegas and they come to visit. It is good to see them but it is hard. They keep Conner occupied and it gives Joe and me a time to rest a bit. They bring Conner to play with Avery so Joe and I can have some alone time. It’s hard to constantly put on a happy face for Conner so I think it’s good that he can go play with his cousin.

It’s now Tuesday and we’re driving up to the cemetery to meet with the director. This is the first time we have been there and we have no idea where we are going. We’re driving through this cemetery and it’s all old gravestones and I’m thinking to myself- “this is where I am burying my baby? Aren’t there any newer graves?” I start to cry and I feel a little scared. We keep driving around trying to find where we are to meet this guy, we haven’t a clue and we end up driving in circles for a minute. Finally we see this scruffy looking guy and I think- this is him? It isn’t, but he directs us where to go. As we drive up the hill we reach the new part of the cemetery, now this is more like it (unfortunately). I start to cry a little harder when I realize what we are actually there to do, pick out a plot where we are to bury our little girl. We meet with Steve who is very kind and knows how hard this is for us and that we really don’t have a clue as to what to do. He goes over the different kind of plots we can buy, where they are and what kind of stones are allowed to be put there. It is very beautiful and peaceful up there with the green grass and colorful fall leaves. It is sad to see that there are a few young people buried there, a five year old boy and a teenager. It is sad to think this is where Leah will be, all alone without her family. We finally decide to get the bigger plot because it will be where Joe and I will be buried also. (hopefully not for a very very very long time!) But we will be buried with Leah. Leah will have her own flat gravestone eventually, I hope to make it a very special one.
Now that that is taken care of Joe contacts the funeral home and everything is set up and we will bury Leah the next day. That is so soon I think but really it isn’t, it has almost been a week since she died. It is very last minute to let our friends and family know and I hope people will be able to come to her service. Of course I worry that they won’t be able to find the cemetery because it’s in Ashburnham and nobody knows their way around and we even had a hard time finding it!

I talk with Cicily, the funeral director, on the phone to make sure there will be a priest to do the service. I am worried about the dress that Leah is wearing because at the hospital I remember that there were some light blood stains on it and I didn’t know if it had gotten worse and I didn’t want her to be buried in it if it was all stained. She said she would call the nurses and get another one if she needed to. I can’t buy her something myself because she was so tiny but I am glad she is wearing something that was made from love from mothers who have been through this horrible time themselves. I can still remember her cute little dress and pink little booties on her precious little feet. I want to see and hold her one more time, but I find out the next morning that I can’t. Cicily thinks it is better that I don’t see her because many things have changed since she left the hospital. She says I should remember Leah the way she was when she was with me in the hospital, even that was hard. This upsets me but I know it is for the best.
Joe and I go to the funeral home the morning of the burial to say our last goodbyes and drop off the things we want Leah to be buried with. We finally meet Cicily who until now was just a kind helpful voice on the other end of the phone trying to make things as easy as possible for us. She shows us to the room where Leah is resting in her casket. She tells us not to be shocked by the size of the casket because they gave her one a little bit bigger because she knew we had a few things we wanted to give her. Cicily had also given her a little lamb to lay with, I thought that was nice of her. It is sitting upon a table with a kneeler in front of it so we can pray. It looks like it is made of white marble, almost like oreo cookie ice cream. It was pretty. We knelt there praying and crying. This is our baby girl in that casket. A part of me wanted to throw it open and grab her and hug her but I knew I couldn’t do that, it would only make things harder. We took out the presents we were giving her and I told her all about them. There was a pretty pink blanket that I lay on the casket. Then I showed her the cute white bunny that says sweetheart and rattles that Conner gave her. I also gave her a little doll that said Little Angel that was from me and Joe and Rosary beads and a tiny pink bear cuddling a blanket that says God Bless Baby from my sister. This was hard giving her these because I would rather see her playing with and eating them than having them lay with her in her casket (of course). We touched the casket for a while and said our goodbyes with a kiss and left. We met with Cicily once again and discussed the writing of Leah’s obituary, meeting her at the cemetery and what was going to happen. She told us that the funeral home was not charging us for anything. The owner has two kids of his own and he always hates to see when there has to be a funeral for a child. They want to make it as painless as possible for the family so they do it free of charge, we were very grateful for that.

The service was to start at 2 o’clock that Wednesday afternoon. I hated my outfit that I wore. I even went shopping at Walmart the night before and got a shirt and jacket but when I put it on that day I didn’t like how I looked and Joe didn’t think the dark purple jacket looked right so I didn’t wear it, I was a bit cold but I didn’t care. Joe’s family was already there when we got there and we pulled up and parked. Cicily came over and took the basket of flowers from Joe’s family and the Disney Princess birthday balloon that I bought for Leah, it said “Happy Birthday Princess” and she put them in front of Leah’s casket. Slowly everyone started to arrive. I saw Melissa from school get out of the car with her husband and then I saw my vice-principal and that just made me cry. It was nice of him to come. Christy, Lynn, Mego, my parents, Joe’s parents, Am and Paul, Liz, Jen, Andrea and Mikayla, Shan, her mom and Chad also came. We were waiting for my aunt Dianne before we could start, she was on her way. While we were waiting I passed out little pink and purple heart ornaments that I wrote Leah’s name and birth date on so that people would always remember her. Aunty Di arrived and she placed beautiful white baby roses with babies breath on top of Leah’s casket. We were now ready to begin.
It was extremely hard to listen to the words Father Horgan was saying. Although they are meant to be comforting, that Leah is in the hands of God now, it is hard to take in. We all prayed and he said some beautiful things. I just remember standing in front of Leah’s casket with Joe, holding his hand and grabbing on to his arm very tightly so tight I probably left a mark! I just stared at her flowers and balloon and occasionally looked up at the priest. There were certain parts of the service where you could hear people crying. I was glad I had Joe there to hold onto. I could tell this was just as hard for him as it was for me.

After the service was over people hung around for a bit and we talked with Cicily. She was sorry that my parent’s and sister’s flowers had not arrived at the funeral home before she left. They were really mad with the flower company that their flowers were not there. She gave us each a key to Leah’s casket that had a key chain that said “You hold the key to my Heart”, that is very sweet. We spoke with Steve, the cemetery director, one last time about our payment and he said whenever we get the chance. Everyone we dealt with was very understanding. We invited everyone back to our house for food and desserts since many drove a long way. Joe and I went to pick Conner up from daycare so that everyone could see him. Of course when we got there he was having so much fun he didn’t want to leave! It was great to see him so happy. We brought him back to the house where we got to be around all our loving family and friends, without them, who knows what we would have done! They have been there through everything that has happened in our family and they always will. Hopefully we will only go on to have happy, healthy memories from now on!

We will always love and remember you Leah.

Here is a poem I found online. I thought about reading it at the funeral but it would’ve been way too hard. I will type it up and frame it for Leah and bring it to her grave. I do not know the author.

Tiny angel rest your wings,
Sit with me for a while.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny angel look at me,
I want this image clear.
That I will forget your precious face,
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny angel can you tell me why you have gone away?
You weren’t here for very long…
Why is it you couldn’t stay?
Tiny angel shook her head.
“These things I do not know.
But I do know that you love me
And that I love you so.”